The new McDonald’s healthy choices menu is really getting out of hand. I don’t want real food, I go there to gorge myself on imitation hamburgers, freedom fries, and malk shakes. Real food is displayed on the dining table for a week then thrown out. That’s why I only want to eat phony food. I can buy ten burgers for ten dollars, and they’re still cheaper than laxatives. Taste better too.

Also, their staff leave a lot to be desired. They say the chimps add extra flavor, but I get all the flavor I want from dropping my burgers on the floor. I just don’t want any Ebola to go along with my mad cow disease. The flavors clash.