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Category: epic fail

Next Level Logging

Next Level Logging

(Warning: mild salty language)

During peacetime it’s hard for people in the military to know what to do with themselves. I know exactly how they feel. If I don’t bathe in the blood of my enemies at least once a month I get all antsy and weird. It takes a lot of dudes to fill a bathtub full of blood, so I run out of enemies pretty quickly, which makes it even harder for me to keep up with my enemy slaying schedule.

Having nemeses has become a luxury for me. These days I’m lucky if I can find one vaguely despicable person to battle with. I can’t even hear the lamentations of their women, because they’re usually single and not looking to be in any sort of serious relationship right now, which is an absolute bummer for me. What on Earth is the point of defeating your enemies and seeing them driven before you if you’re unable to hear the lamentations of their women? I might as well give the whole business up and join the Australian Army. At least they get to go outside and play with their friends.

Missed It By That Much

Missed It By That Much

[Warning: Some inaudible salty language]

Well, at least he’s outside. I mean, most people don’t even bother leaving their bathroom to fall down and hurt themselves. Take my brother for example: instead of doing a sick kick flip off some gnarly grinds after hanging ten on a sweet wave and crashing into the surf like a rad cool dude, he fell down in the shower, and I had to wrap him in the bathmat and take him to the ER.

So take this as a warning: injure yourself like a hip, cool, dude. Don’t be a granny.

The Organ Has Been Drinking

The Organ Has Been Drinking

The organ has been drinking
My bowtie is asleep
And the in-laws went back to New York
The pastor has to take a leak

And the crucifix needs a haircut
And the confessional looks like a prison break
‘Cause the altar’s out of cigarettes
And the pews are on the make

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

And the bibles are all freezing
And the bridesmaid’s blind in one eye
And she can’t see out of the other
And the organ-tuner’s got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

And you can’t find the caterer
With a geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
And you can’t get cake without her

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me

Why, Sometimes I’ve Believed As Many As Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Why, Sometimes I’ve Believed As Many As Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

You guys remember Icarus, don’t you? Well, this is Icarus’ little brother. The one they didn’t mention much. He wore that helmet you see in the video on the school bus. Licked the windows. Ate paste. You remember him in Geography class, don’t you? He thought the Ottoman Empire was a furniture store. Yea, that’s him; that’s the guy. He believes he can fly.

(Thanks to Gerard at American Digest, who knows that every man should believe in something, and generally has it covered by believing he’d like another drink)