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Category: cars

Wax On, Wax Off

Wax On, Wax Off

When I eventually decide to spawn tiny people of my own, this is the only way I will ever wash them. It’s been scientifically proven that children are covered in a thin film of disgusting goo 100 percent of the time, so the only way to clean then off effectively is to take them out back and hose them down. When hosing them down isn’t enough, many people will resort to bathing their urchins in a swimming pool full of bleach, but sometimes that isn’t enough either. Perhaps the best way to bathe your guttersnipe is with an automated car wash.

It’s a win-win situation. Your truck gets a nice waxing and buffing, and so do your kids.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

Now That’s What I Call Thinking On Your Feet

Now That’s What I Call Thinking On Your Feet

I’m beginning to think that there’s something massively wrong with Russia and everyone in it. Every single video coming out of Russia has someone getting set on fire, exploding, falling off of a building, wrecking their car, getting beaten, being chased by animals, getting stabbed, or worse — doing parkour.

I really can’t stand parkour. Watching parkour is a vivisection of the soul. It’s like going to an elementary school recorder concert that your kid isn’t in. It’s like having to sit through Bartok and pretend to like it. Every time I see a video with the little Cyrillic letters at the top I have a panic attack. This is why both Napoleon and Hitler invaded Russia. They just wanted them to stop doing so much damn parkour. There are things in life other than parkour, you lanky weirdos.

I’ll give Russia some credit — at least they’re not Japan.

[Many thanks to the indispensable Charles Schneider for sending this one along]

Babies Are Worthless and Weak

Babies Are Worthless and Weak

[Warning: vaguely salty language and conduct]

I don’t like to generalize, because as we know all generalizations are always false, but I know for an absolute fact that babies just aren’t as good as actual humans. So before you tell me about how we need to hire more babies, because it’s wrong to just hire adult humans, you need a reality check. When was the last time you ever saw a baby doing anything useful, ever? They’ll eat, poop, and die if left unattended for more than thirty minutes. That’s ridiculous. If babies expect to get hired in this current job market, they need to really step up their game.

If they want people to support child labor hires, they need to make child labor more appealing.

Gotta Go Fast

Gotta Go Fast

When the title said 1000 mph office I was expecting something slightly different. I wanted to see a four story brick building filled with code monkeys barreling into orbit, but I guess a car is alright too. Well, it’s more of a land-bound rocket than a car, but I won’t tell if you don’t tell.

I’m hoping that when he gets done breaking the world land speed record he uses his office for actual work. You know, set up a nice desk, plug in a laptop, and start filling out spreadsheets or whatever it is people with real jobs do. I wouldn’t know, I spend all my time correcting people on the internet. It’s a dirty job, but someone has got to do it.

[Many thanks to illustrious Gerard at American Digest for sending this video along]