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Category: bikes

Will It Shred?

Will It Shred?

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Good evening, everyone. On tonight’s episode of Will It Shred, we’ll be shredding the hopes and dreams of every 11-year-old kid in America — or the only transportation that a 40-year-old with 3 DUIs can afford. That’s right, folks: when you’re banned from riding the bus because of your indecent exposure charges, you get a bike. Two wheels semi-inflated wheels, a seat that makes impalement look comfy, and a bell to annoy the neighbors, a bike is man’s best friend if all of your friends are dead or not returning your calls. On tonight’s show we’re throwing some bicycles into our shredder and seeing what happens. And now, a word from our sponsors.

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What Do You Call a Professional Cyclist With No Girlfriend?

What Do You Call a Professional Cyclist With No Girlfriend?

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Answer: Homeless.

This reminds me of something interesting that happened to a friend of mine. Last year I was sitting out on my front porch when my friend rode up on a brand new, twelve-speed, top-of-the-line bicycle. I mean, this was the Rolls Royce of bicycles. It had an extra-padded seat, three dual-action cup holders, and a built-in tire inflation machine, so your tires were always at the perfect pressure.

I was a little awestruck at first. To my knowledge, my friend doesn’t come from a very wealthy family, and he doesn’t have any sort of job that I know of. Unless that bike fell from the sky, I really didn’t know how he could have gotten it.

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Missed It By That Much

Missed It By That Much

[Warning: Some inaudible salty language]

Well, at least he’s outside. I mean, most people don’t even bother leaving their bathroom to fall down and hurt themselves. Take my brother for example: instead of doing a sick kick flip off some gnarly grinds after hanging ten on a sweet wave and crashing into the surf like a rad cool dude, he fell down in the shower, and I had to wrap him in the bathmat and take him to the ER.

So take this as a warning: injure yourself like a hip, cool, dude. Don’t be a granny.

Walking On Water Is So Passé, I Prefer To Bike

Walking On Water Is So Passé, I Prefer To Bike

The hydrofoil bicycle: for when your regular hydrofoil is in the shop, and you still want to cruise into town to pick up chicks. They won’t be particularly interested, considering you’re still on a bicycle, but at least you’ll look cool while doing it. If we lived in an alternate universe where wetsuits and life-vests looked cool, what I just said would be true. But, to the relief of everyone on Earth, wearing a wetsuit still makes you look like a massive dork.

The bike is pretty nifty though. Cheating the laws of physics has always been an acceptable pursuit and I would recommend it to anyone who’s interested. Personally, I’d much prefer a yacht filled to the brim with Ice cold Zima and scantily clad women, but that’s just like, my opinion, man.