Good evening, everyone. On tonight’s episode of Will It Shred, we’ll be shredding the hopes and dreams of every 11-year-old kid in America — or the only transportation that a 40-year-old with 3 DUIs can afford. That’s right, folks: when you’re banned from riding the bus because of your indecent exposure charges, you get a bike. Two wheels semi-inflated wheels, a seat that makes impalement look comfy, and a bell to annoy the neighbors, a bike is man’s best friend if all of your friends are dead or not returning your calls. On tonight’s show we’re throwing some bicycles into our shredder and seeing what happens. And now, a word from our sponsors.
This reminds me of something interesting that happened to a friend of mine. Last year I was sitting out on my front porch when my friend rode up on a brand new, twelve-speed, top-of-the-line bicycle. I mean, this was the Rolls Royce of bicycles. It had an extra-padded seat, three dual-action cup holders, and a built-in tire inflation machine, so your tires were always at the perfect pressure.
I was a little awestruck at first. To my knowledge, my friend doesn’t come from a very wealthy family, and he doesn’t have any sort of job that I know of. Unless that bike fell from the sky, I really didn’t know how he could have gotten it.