I have no idea what I’m looking at, but I need it to stop. Not only is there nothing on heaven or Earth that could compel me to wear those shoes, I’m never taking this man out to lunch. Even if he offered to pay. Even if he offered to drive and pay and feed me peeled grapes, I would not do it. He licked the bottom of a shoe, that’s all you need to know. I don’t think I need to explain myself further.

They aren’t even good shoes. He’s wearing nicer shoes than those pointless basketball endorsement billboards. I don’t think the sort of person who bought those shoes would be interested in wearing them anyways. He hit the nail on the head there. I don’t think they’d go as far as to wear gloves when handling the shoes, but I don’t know what’s real anymore. I’m not the right person to be talking about shoes anyways. I didn’t know there were multiple styles of shoes until last year. I thought everyone wore Heelys or something similar. I guess I don’t spend very much time looking at people’s feet as I should. Where I come from, someone who stares at another person’s shoes is considered a bit of a weirdo — unless you’re a Finnish extrovert, in which case that’s perfectly normal behavior.

What mostly baffled me about the different types of shoes, is that there are shoes that are specifically designed for exercising. That’s absolutely disgusting. Not only are we promoting physical exercise, but we have to  change our shoes to do it? Disgraceful. Society has gotten to a point where we’re just too focused on exercising. It’s ridiculous. I have a friend who runs three miles every day to stay fit, and I’ve been telling him to cut it out for years. He says he doesn’t want to stop because after the first two miles he gets what’s called a runner’s high.

I always tell him he’s a fool. I get the same feeling by standing up too fast, and I don’t need to run anywhere.