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Category: parody

Welcome To The Home Shopping Network Featuring Hannibal Lecter

Welcome To The Home Shopping Network Featuring Hannibal Lecter

I have no idea what I’m looking at, but I need it to stop. Not only is there nothing on heaven or Earth that could compel me to wear those shoes, I’m never taking this man out to lunch. Even if he offered to pay. Even if he offered to drive and pay and feed me peeled grapes, I would not do it. He licked the bottom of a shoe, that’s all you need to know. I don’t think I need to explain myself further.

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Love Thy Neighbor Should Be Taken as a Suggestion

Love Thy Neighbor Should Be Taken as a Suggestion

Way back before I care to remember, on an idyllic Sunday morning during some long-forgotten summer, two kids were running around their house trying to find their father. After a few minutes, they burst into their father’s office to find him relaxing in his favorite chair, reading the Sunday Times. The father looked up at the boys, but didn’t pay much attention.

One of the boys asked, “Say, Dad, have you met the new neighbors?”

The Father looked up from his paper for a moment before going back to the sports section, “No,” he said, “No, I didn’t know anyone was moving into the neighborhood.”

“Well, you’ve got to meet them,” stated one of the boys, “You really should come down and say hello.”

“Perhaps another time; I don’t get very many opportunities to enjoy myself, and I want to read the paper before I do anything else. I work very hard to provide for the both of you and your Mother, so I’d appreciate it if you let me have a few minutes to myself today,” said the father rather curtly.

The boys were starting to get upset. “Look, Dad — you’ve got to come meet them right now!”

After some more convincing, the father got up and said, “Alright! Where are they? If they’re already here I don’t want to keep them waiting. I didn’t know they were that eager to meet me. Have you met them already?”

One of the boys looks up at his dad and says, “Oh no, we haven’t met them either, but our baseball is in their living room, so we think it’d be a good idea if we introduce ourselves.”

Fast and Furious and Polish

Fast and Furious and Polish

Three men were all applying to become NYPD detectives. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Unfortunately, there was only one position available, so the police Chief decided to interview each man himself to see who was the most qualified. Rather than go through three lengthy interviews that would take up his whole day, the Chief decided to ask each applicant just one, unorthodox question and base his decision on their answers.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the Chief asked, “Who killed Jesus Christ?” The Jewish man answered without hesitation, “The Romans killed him.” The Chief thanked him for his time, and the Jewish man left. When the Italian arrived for his interview, the Chief asked the same question. He replied, “Jesus was killed by the Jews.” Again, the chief thanked him for his time and the Italian left. When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question, “Who killed Jesus Christ?” The Pole leaned back in his chair and stared off into space for about five minutes before saying, “Could I have some time to think about it?” The Chief said, “Okay, but get back to me first thing tomorrow morning.”

When the Polish man arrived at home, his wife asked “How did the interview go?” He replied, “Great, I got the job, and I’m already investigating a murder!”