I’ve always been very suspicious of This Country’s Got Talent shows and all of their derivatives, because you almost never hear from the people who win after they get their prize. I’m pretty sure TV executives eat them to absorb their talent, but I’ve been wrong about this sort of thing before.
I’ve also been very suspicious because there’s no telling how many fatalities shows like this have each year. The versions hosted in Eastern European countries suggest a whole new level of concern, because that place is like a breeding ground for bad ideas. Every once in a while a grainy Live Leak video of someone chopping their testes off with a flaming carp surfaces, but those are getting few and far between. Either every wannabe Russki has given up vodka and heroin, or these videos are being suppressed, and we all know that the only way to get yourself out of bed every morning in Eastern Europe is to drink yourself into a stupor before breakfast. There’s also the off chance that the videos have gotten so graphic that they’re being sold in snuff film compilations à la Faces of Death. Even if that was the case I’d still probably watch it, so you don’t have to.
Luckily, I’ve found one of the only Got Talent videos around that isn’t premiering on a fetish site, or covered in Live Leak watermarks. Although the video left me teetering precariously on the edge of my seat, the lack of death was strangely satisfying. Everything went better than expected. In the end, there wasn’t any loss of life — except for the wannabe Dr. Mengele, because there’s no way the human dartboard didn’t beat him to death after the cameras stopped rolling.