The British are a funny people. Part Norman, part Saxon, part Angle, part Dane, 100-percent crazy. They conquered 25 percent of the planet for giggles, they birthed the greatest countries on Earth from a little isle that barely shows up on a map, and I’m not entirely sure how they got so good at creating absurdly productive any useful people. Moreover, I’m not sure where all of those people went, but I know one thing for certain — they’re all completely nuts.
I’ve always been very suspicious of This Country’s Got Talent shows and all of their derivatives, because you almost never hear from the people who win after they get their prize. I’m pretty sure TV executives eat them to absorb their talent, but I’ve been wrong about this sort of thing before.
I’ve also been very suspicious because there’s no telling how many fatalities shows like this have each year. The versions hosted in Eastern European countries suggest a whole new level of concern, because that place is like a breeding ground for bad ideas. Every once in a while a grainy Live Leak video of someone chopping their testes off with a flaming carp surfaces, but those are getting few and far between. Either every wannabe Russki has given up vodka and heroin, or these videos are being suppressed, and we all know that the only way to get yourself out of bed every morning in Eastern Europe is to drink yourself into a stupor before breakfast. There’s also the off chance that the videos have gotten so graphic that they’re being sold in snuff film compilations à la Faces of Death. Even if that was the case I’d still probably watch it, so you don’t have to.
Luckily, I’ve found one of the only Got Talent videos around that isn’t premiering on a fetish site, or covered in Live Leak watermarks. Although the video left me teetering precariously on the edge of my seat, the lack of death was strangely satisfying. Everything went better than expected. In the end, there wasn’t any loss of life — except for the wannabe Dr. Mengele, because there’s no way the human dartboard didn’t beat him to death after the cameras stopped rolling.
Pork chops and bacon are my two favorite pig-based foods. I would add hot dogs to that list, but they have a lot more horse, kangaroo, and gerbil meat than pig.
I try to make every meal just a little bit better by adding bacon. I like to add bacon to burgers, salads, pizzas, and other strips of bacon. If I’m feeling fancy I’ll have caviar wrapped in bacon and bacon bits in my ice cream. Pesto pasta and bacon is almost as delicious as pork chops and bacon wrapped in bacon. The ultimate meal that anyone can make is steak tips wrapped in bacon inside of a cooked goose that is covered in bacon, which is then wrapped up in a slightly larger goose, wrapped in bacon, and then cooked inside of a large hog — that is also wrapped in bacon.
If you’re even in need of some cooking advice, or if you’re short an ingredient and don’t know what to use; bacon is always the answer.