All the babysitting advice I ever needed I got from the Three Stooges: “No bones, no potato chips.” Other than that, kids are up for anything. Of course they prefer to ride on the handlebars, but you can’t have everything. Bonus points for the Vanity Fare soundtrack.
(Thanks to our good friend Johnny Glendale for sending that one along)
You’ve heard of old man strength, haven’t you? For the uninitiated, thousands of times every day some whippersnapper tries to mug some old guy outside the bingo hall and gets their ass handed to them when grandpa gives them a taste of what he gave the Wehrmacht back in the day. Or maybe you think you’re going to go all road-ragey on some old coot that’s driving a medicare sled in the left lane with his turn signal on, but you find out when you get to the side of the road that he won’t cooperate, and instead of pleading for mercy he gives you the old what-for. Beware old man strength!
So, young feller, you bought a Hayabusa or a Cowabunga or whatever they sell down at the rice rocket shop — and you probably had your mom co-sign for it, to boot– and you’re feeling like you’re the master of all you survey just now, but let me offer you a word of advice: Keep your eyes open and your trap shut when the old dudes are talking. You might learn something.
If David Lynch ever made a PSA, this would be it.
Soulless monkey-faced kids riding their bikes into the gaping jaws of doom. Nifty, but I feel there is a deeper metaphor than just bicycle safety at work here. Every so often I get a hint of it, but I can’t crack the code. I almost get the feeling they were trying to make an [begin quotey fingers] educational [end quotey fingers] film of some sort. That can’t be right though — the mental image of those monstrosities continuously haunts my dreams. This was obviously meant to be a horror film. A horror film with a message that I think I have the hang of.
Buy a car.
Frostbite is a small price to pay for mild Intertunnel fame. You can regrow skin, but you can’t regrow YouTube views. Wearing gloves would ruin the whole chill introductory college course vibe. Being cool is easy when all you have to do is drip liquid nitrogen on your hands. It completely takes out the need for cool props like shutter shades or leather pants. Frosty.
Five million views is nothing to sniff at. I’ve seen people sacrifice body parts for less. If anything this guy got off easy. The next echelon of views can only be achieved if their video also had a baby falling down or someone getting hit in the jewels. The innertunnel runs off of the misfortune of others, and pictures of cats. The BSBFB runs on Ovaltine. In the long run I think we’re much better off.