BSBFB

The BSBFB Olympics

May 31, 2019 aubuchon Comments 0 Comment

Welcome to the BSBFB world headquarters. As you can see, our writers are hard at work practicing for the first ever BSBFB Very Special Olympics. We’re got some exciting new events that will really knock your socks off.

Our first event is the quadriplegic pummel. Don’t laugh. How many hits can you land on torso before you fall down and hurt yourself? He may be limbless, but he’s crafty. And rubbery. Let’s see you go toe to toe and hand to hand with him, tough guy.

The second event is fun with nunchucks. The objects is to figure out how to spell numchucks, I mean nunchecks, I mean nunchaku. Oh never mind.

Our third event is the college dorm bookshelf challenge. You place any old plank of wood across two concrete blocks and hurt yourself with them any old way. You never place books on them, however, as the college bookstore now only carries sweatshirts and mugs.

None of These People Look Even Vaguely Like Maggie O’Connell, But I Still Vaguely Want To Become an Alaskan Bush Pilot

May 30, 2019 aubuchon Comments 0 Comment

Alaskan bush pilots. Honestly, other than cutting your cheeks with a razor, affecting a Heidelberg accent, and wearing a silk scarf all the time, is there any way to pull chicks in a bar that can compare?

I admit that there’s more of a hint of Jimmy Buffet than Jimmy Doolittle about these fellows’ appearance. We can’t have everything, can we? Someone has to shop in Banana Republic, so you don’t have to.

Every New Year, every Intertunnel wag writes a top ten list of failed predictions from years past. Number one is always, “Where’s my flying car?” It’s up in Fairbanks, dude. Screw up your courage and go get it.

Parkour’s Kinda Stupid. Unless You’re Wearing a Spider-Man Costume, of Course

May 29, 2019 aubuchon Comments 1 comment

I remember back when a college kid in comfortable shoes jumping over a couple of trash bins could merit a few million YouTube hits. Unfortunately, modern audiences are much more discerning. These days, to achieve equally ridiculous viewership the comfortable shoes must be abandoned for a skin tight, trademarked body suit.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. There is still something decidedly engaging about watching Peter Parkour hurl himself off of a building for the umpteenth time. But there will soon come a day when a spandex suit won’t cut it. Then it will be time for something much more extreme, or dare I say it, more xtreme. I predict the fall of Spiderman parkour, the rise of jetpack parkour, eventually making way for robot dinosaur parkour.

The future’s so bright my spider sense is tingling. Or maybe I just need some Gold Bond.

Can’t Sleep, Cow Will Eat Me

May 28, 2019 aubuchon Comments 3 comments

I’m afraid. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I’m not afraid of the wrinkled leathery man in tight pants. Nor am I concerned by the seven foot tall Rastafarian rooster. Even the song and dance numbers have little effect on me. It all comes down to the look on the face of every child involved. I’ve seen a hostage tape or two in my day and I know that look. They know what happens when the cameras stop rolling.

Being kidnapped by a cult of underground educational television producers is no picnic, but I assume it’s the only way to get on PBS these days. When they finally come for all of us and we’re being sacrificed to appease How Now the big moo cow — remember to breathe. Namaste!

[Thanks to our friend Gerard at American Digest for sending that one along]