Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Never Give Up, Never Surrender

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I like this guy, he really seems like he knows what he’s talking about. I doubt he does know what he’s talking about. Few people do. But if you’re going to be wrong, be wrong at the top of your voice. Having confidence is like having good manners. If you don’t have good manners, pretend that you do. It ends up being the same thing. Fake confidence works about the same as real confidence, too.

In any case, his message rings true: nivagivup! It’s important to remember that no matter how bad things seem, they could always be worse. You could, for instance, be waist deep in frigid water yelling encouragement to no one in particular.

You Know The Germans Always Make Good Stuff

You Know The Germans Always Make Good Stuff

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You can tell this race is extra hardcore, because they’re using the spectators as mileposts and curbstones and bollards. Spectators don’t have much stopping power, but they pay extra to sit on the curb. Everyone knows that if you hit water hard enough it’s just like hitting concrete. I’m almost positive the same applies to humans. Not that it would ever come to that. The driver seems like he could hit the apex of any corner on Earth at mach speed, driving a golf cart with three wheels, while blindfolded. The golf cart he’s driving in the video seems to have all four wheels, so he’s at a definite advantage.

Every good job has a cool uniform, and their fireproof pajamas are some of the coolest I’ve seen. I guess to them racing is just a job. Just another day at the office. The only difference between me and them is my office doesn’t have 552 horsepower — and I don’t work in an office.

Polygamy Is a Lot Harder Than It Looks

Polygamy Is a Lot Harder Than It Looks

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Girls are soft and they smell good. Every man wants to spend his time with someone who’s soft and smells good. It’s in our nature. However, we mostly spend our time with other sweaty dudes, grunting and swearing and handing each other wrenches. For the most part, women would rather not have anything to do with us. But we keep looking for ways to trick them into thinking we’re alright.

Some men go out to night clubs to try to pick up women. Of course women have better things to do, so clubs are just filled with funny-smelling dudes looking for nonexistent women. Others try online dating That’s a fool’s errand, as there are no women on the internet, just other men, and policemen. Online dating is still better than nightclubs, though, because you only have to shower and put on pants on the day you upload your profile picture.

Finding girlfriends is hard enough. Keeping one happy is damn near impossible. This kid has three. Good luck, little dude. You’re gonna need it.

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Cute Kid — Cute Super Powers

Cute Kid — Cute Super Powers

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To this day I still play The Floor Is Lava.  It’s not because I want to relive my childhood. It’s because I had the floors redone some time ago, and I don’t want them to get all scuffed up before I have guests over. Since I’m so unpopular, it’s taking a long time to get guests to come over, so the floors still look freshly refinished. If anyone did come over, I’m sure they’d marvel at my pristone hardwood floors. Of course my furniture is in a terrible state from having a grown man climb all over it while wearing work boots, so I’m not inviting anyone over until I rob a Rent A Center as well.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Aren’t children amusing? They’re like drunk midgets. They spend all their time bumping in to things, eating weird food combos, inadvertently harming themselves, and vomiting at the drop of a hat.  It’s a shame they have to grow up and become sober.