No wonder the German economy is in the toilet. Well, OK, it’s not in the toilet. Actually, it’s almost always pretty good. I mean, one of the biggest in the world.
Let’s start over. No wonder the German economy is only eleventy times bigger than the Greek economy. The fools have let this video of how to make a BMW motorcycle engine get out on the internet! Now I can simply watch the video, and then make my own BMW engine. Why would anyone buy one when the instructions are right online?
Say can anyone suggest a video on how to make a BMW motorcycle chassis? I’m asking for a friend.
I’m not sure what I was expecting. The video was clearly marked “commercial from Japan.” They’re lovely people in general, but they’re wired tighter than a banjo string. But wonder Core commercials take the tentacle cake, I tell you what. I’ve been to 3 World’s Fairs and goat rodeo and I ain’t ever seen anything like that. But admit it. If it was 3 AM and you were home alone and drunk, you’d buy one on the home shopping network.
If he was any more underground he’d come out in China. I don’t think they’re hiring any philosophy majors just now, what with all the tariffs and all, so he’d be out of luck there too. Still, he has the mad skills that qualify you to be a barista. But making 15 yuan an hour isn’t as great as it sounds. He’d be better off turning his coolness meter down and switching to a more mainstream instrument, like the viola, or a glockenspiel. His life would get better, but of course our lives would be diminished. Perfection shouldn’t be tinkered with.
I’m not knocking his style though, it takes a real man to appear in public looking and acting like that. Do you suppose that someday, in the unlikely event that he procreates, someone will kidnap his daughter, and he’ll pick up the phone and say, “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you on a unicycle. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will play the accordion.”
I want one. No, check that, I want three. I would empty my entire bank account to get my hands on one of these babies. Just think of all the yardwork you could get done. The weeds never stood a chance. The potato-chopping majesty of the combat shovel rules all. You can use it to trim your toenails, chop down a tree, or bludgeon your enemies. The Chinese army shovel puts the Swiss army knife to shame. And Chinese army uniforms are 17 percent less goofy than Swiss Guard unis.
Maybe it’s not the shovel itself that got me hooked. I’m sort of a sucker for infomercials, truth be told. I’d buy a snowcone in February if it had advertising with that John Wayne-ish soundtrack in the background. As long as operators are standing by, my wallet is in danger. Say, I wonder if this juliennes anything. I’d buy anything that juliennes stuff. I don’t even know what that means, but is sounds nifty, doesn’t it?