Who Do You Think You Are, Dillinger?

Who Do You Think You Are, Dillinger?

We’re paying basketball players too much money. We’re asking too many football players for autographs. We’re watching too many baseball games. Fans are altogether too interested in the clothes pro golfers are wearing. We need more sports to pay attention to. The Brits and Irish love their darts, and the matches are a hoot. Billiards is a blast. But I think we’re missing a opportunity here. Archery matches are great, and lends itself to golf-announcer sotto voce commentators, my favorite kind. Besides, there’s a guy named John Dillinger shooting. If he robbed a bank with his bow and arrow, I’d put my hands up and fill the bag with cash. Besides, I think all bank robberies should be closed with polite applause from the onlookers.

If You Don’t Know Mike Mulligan, I Don’t Want To Know You

If You Don’t Know Mike Mulligan, I Don’t Want To Know You

Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. If you don’t know who Mike Mulligan is, you should just quietly show yourself out. We promise not to make fun of you, at least until you leave. But the mocking will be gentle, we promise. It’s not your fault you weren’t raised right. Nobody picks their parents. Or maybe you had fine parents, but your local library stinks. It’s full of books about caring and sharing, with nothing about digging big, honking holes. Once again: not your fault.

If you do know who Mike Mulligan is, you’re in the right place. Enjoy.

How To Play Football

How To Play Football

All in all, a pretty good rundown on how to play football. However, they completely glossed over how to freeze the bottoms of your feet off with liquid nitrogen, and then refuse to play unless you’re allowed to wear a defective helmet. There was very little guidance about what to say when your team’s owner goes to the massage parlor. Proper elevator etiquette for running backs didn’t make the cut for topics, either. They skipped right over how to imitate a toddler pitching a fit in the candy aisle after you score a touchdown. I dozed off in the middle, but I’m pretty certain they didn’t even discuss contract holdouts. But at least it’s football, unlike whatever it is they’re playing in the NFL preseason.

A Strong Man, and a Snappy Dresser, Too

A Strong Man, and a Snappy Dresser, Too

Not only is this strong man strong, he’s strong in French. That’s a whole ‘nother level of strong. You’d know that if you ever rode a French subway. Anyway, I’m sort of on the fence about the stripper sandals and the leather diaper/culottes. I have in my time, however, broken many a wine bottle, so I love this guy’s act. Of course I break my booze bottles when they’re still half full when I reach for them for my eighth cocktail, but the idea isĀ  the same. In the same vein, I haven’t had four men stand on me while I lie on a bed of nails, but I did once sleep on a pull out couch with that metal bar in the middle, and my wife had her arm across my neck when I woke up. It’s pretty much the same thing. I’m looking forward to this guy’s next video, when he picks up a thrown newspaper without emitting a loud oof sound when he bends over. That’s a man’s man.