Hey Fellas, Hold My Hot Pink Virgin Lemonade Martini And Watch This

Hey Fellas, Hold My Hot Pink Virgin Lemonade Martini And Watch This

If I recall correctly, I used to do the exact same thing when I was a kid, except there would be a lot fewer people watching and I would have to clean the blood and broken branches out of my Little Tikes Cozy Coupe myself. Every once in a while I’d have to go get dad to pull the red and yellow convertible wreckage out of the ditch next to my house. He was pretty mad the first time, because my little car didn’t start out as a convertible. It sort of ended up that way after some on-the-fly modifications. Big branches and roofs don’t go together very well.

One thing I realized during my trips down the slight incline in my mother’s back garden is that nothing beats having the wind in your hair, the bugs in your teeth, and the twigs in your eyes. Sometimes avoiding the trees isn’t the best option. If you don’t hit the trees, you just keep accelerating. Then again, I wasn’t very bright when I was 17.

It’s Not A Party Until You’ve Burned Down Half of Beijing

It’s Not A Party Until You’ve Burned Down Half of Beijing

Videos from Asia are always good for a giggle. Of course, Russia has the highest camcorder to drunken shenanigan ratio in the world, but countries like China and Japan are swiftly bringing up the rear. Japan has its firm foothold in the uncanny valley somewhere between early Pixar animations and Wayne Newton’s plasticine forehead, and China likes to keep things explosive. Most Chinese videos can be found on Live Leak, which is like YouTube for the sort of person who thinks Silence of The Lambs is a comedy and collects roadkill. Anyways, the Chinese videos that find their way onto YouTube are decidedly entertaining when no one’s being beheaded.

Looking back, I think I may have given videos from China a bad rap. I’m not trying to say that one type of video is better than another. Japanese videos are like having your head caved in by a scantily-dressed schoolgirl with a steel truncheon, and the Russians like to keep things light and fluffy by drinking enough vodka to make James Joyce think twice about showing up to their garden parties. Apart from the occasional snuff film, Chinese videos are the dog’s bollocks, the bee’s knees, and everything you should look for in a significant other.

Korea, on the other hand, has forever been tainted by Gangnam Style and everything associated with it. The darn thing spread like turbo-ebolAIDs, and scorched the Intertunnel clean for a solid month. Anything that powerful should be avoided at all costs.

I’m really hoping that we get some good videos out of Mongolia soon. Actually, that might not be such a good idea, now that I think of it. The last time anything came sweeping out of Mongolia most of Eurasia was pillaged.

Well, say what you want about the ethics of Genghis Khan and his band of unruly chartered accountants, at least it’s not Gangnam Style.

They Call It a “Drop Ceiling” for a Reason

They Call It a “Drop Ceiling” for a Reason

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Ah, true love. The couple that plays together, attempts robbery together, assaults together, flees the authorities together, flees the authorities separately together, tries some more assault, some more fleeing, a bit of criminal mischief, and resists additional arrest attempts together, stays together. In juvie, usually. Sometimes on the bench in the big courthouse. Hey, since you’re in the courthouse already, might as well have the judge marry you after they sentence you. We’ve witnessed your devotion. We know your love will last longer than your stretch in jail. It’s fate. Kismet. It’s in the stars, and among the Starbursts.

Lawrence Taylor: TSMWEPF

Lawrence Taylor: TSMWEPF

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(Fair warning if your sound is on: Lawrence Taylor apparently knew several swear words, and how to blaspheme a bit)

What’s an MVP? It stands for Most Valuable Player, but it’s rarely that anymore. They’re not going to give the award to a kicker, for instance, no matter how many times he wins a game. Let’s face it, in today’s version of pro football, the award goes to a starting quarterback, period. And it only goes to starting quarterbacks who like to talk to sportswriters. Gotta work that room to get those votes.

And what of unofficial titles like GOAT (Greatest Of All Time)? Tom Brady’s pretty much got that one locked down now, and they’ll probably name him MVP the day before he starts collecting Social Security. There are still a few lonely voices who tout Jerry Rice, and they have a point. But when a big ship like the SS Public Opinion gets turned around, it heads in the same direction for a long time. The GOAT ship has sailed for now. Let’s argue about something else.

We need a different type award for the NFL. A totally new one, I guess. We can hand out this award right now, even though it’s going to be for the best ever. That’s the risk with awarding GOAT type awards. The future, and the present, must be completely discounted. That’s not going to be a problem with the award I’m dreaming up. The way the game is currently played, and the way it’s shaping up to be played going forward, means we can give out this newly minted, best ever award without fear of the honoree ever falling into second place behind anyone, ever. The award is going to Lawrence Taylor, and no one is going to take anything away from him, and live to tell about it, on or off the field, I imagine. And if a Lawrence Taylor +1 ever appeared in the NFL, he wouldn’t be allowed to play even close to what we see here in this video. It’s bad business to scare the other teams, your own teammates, the coaches, the cheerleaders, the people in the stands, and everyone watching on TV.

So here’s to you, Lawrence Taylor. The BSBFB hereby awards you the first (and probably the only) TSMWEPF trophy. It’s a bronze figurine of Magua holding up a human heart, standing atop an ice cream truck covered with human skulls. You’re The Scariest Man Who Ever Played Football. And always will be.