Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. If you don’t know who Mike Mulligan is, you should just quietly show yourself out. We promise not to make fun of you, at least until you leave. But the mocking will be gentle, we promise. It’s not your fault you weren’t raised right. Nobody picks their parents. Or maybe you had fine parents, but your local library stinks. It’s full of books about caring and sharing, with nothing about digging big, honking holes. Once again: not your fault.

If you do know who Mike Mulligan is, you’re in the right place. Enjoy.