BSBFB

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ, Tovarisch!

November 22, 2013 aubuchon

It’s good to see that just because the Soviet Union busted up, the arms race didn’t end. Of course ICBMs aren’t all that useful anymore. They’re not likely to lob one at us, and we’re not likely to lob one at them. Their silos are full of mice, and some cleaning lady at the White House probably found our launch codes in an odd drawer in a waiting room, thought they were a Soduku puzzle that someone had already finished, and threw them away years ago. But we need to keep that competitive edge. We need something to strive for, and against heavy competition, too.

So, competitive speaker installation in crappy cars to play almost-music-like noises is as good an arena for conflict as any. And tovarisch here has upped the ante, that’s for sure. We need to get our top men working on this, and fast. Tang and velcro has already been invented, and the moon has had so many people trodding on it and leaving their crap around here and there that it’s starting to look like a rest area on the Jersey Turnpike. We need to drop any idea of mission to Mars, and get cracking on playing Fantastic Voyage at 165 decibels, stat.

Gentlemen, we cannot afford a dubstep gap.

(Thanks to Charles Schneider for sending that one along. I SAID, THANKS TO CHARLES SCHNEIDER FOR SENDING THAT ONE ALONG. I SAID, THANKS TO CHARLES SCHNEIDER FOR SENDING THAT ONE ALONG!)

That Reminds Me: Didja Hear About The Mountain-Climbing Economists?

November 18, 2013 aubuchon

Three economists are climbing a mountain. When they get halfway to the top, they’re too tired to continue, so they stop to rest. Ben the economist asks his friend, “What mountain is this? Nothing looks familiar.” Paul, the second economist says, “I don’t know, I was looking at my watch the whole time, Let’s ask Alan.” Alan, the third economist, studies his charts for five minutes, and then says, “I’m absolutely certain we’re on top of that mountain way over there.”

I have no idea what that has to do with this dude landing his Super Cub on top of this tiny mountaintop. Please consult your economist for further information.

[Thanks to our friend Gerard at American Digest for sending that one along]

The Russian Remi Gaillard

November 15, 2013 aubuchon

The BSBFB sure does like Remi Gaillard. He’s a French weirdo that pulls pranks, mostly of the hidden camera variety. He’s outrageous, and does things that would get him at least a good tasing occasionally outside of France, but he’s not a cowardly clown, picking on only the defenseless; he’s just as likely to tug on a policeman’s cape as a woman’s skirt.

Of course it was only a matter of time before Mother Russia produced its own Jerky Boy. Unlike Remi, a lot, if not all of them, look staged. Even if they weren’t, they seem… really Russian. Tovarisch, I swapped your bus pass with one to Chernobyl. Men are waiting to hit you with crowbars and film it on a dash camera! SO funny! Run away!

No, The Slavic Jerky Boys won’t do. We want the original. We want Remi:

Life Is Full Of Tribulations And Disappointments

November 14, 2013 aubuchon

Things don’t always go your way. You can’t have your cake, and eat it, too.You want this or that, but you realize that people in Hell would like a glass of icewater, and neither of you is likely to be accomodated. You pray for things to happen, and then shake your puny fist at the universe when you realize prayer isn’t a candy machine that requires nothing but the pull of a lever.

But you and I can rest easy today, my friends. We can be contented. For once in our lives, the surety of our wishes being granted is total. There is no way that we can be disappointed. Because there’s a one hundred and fifty percent chance that this moron is eventually going to kiss a bus.

As far as the soundtrack goes, it’s just gravy to know that all “rap artists” eventually die in a hail of gunfire, visited on them from one of their colleagues. Today, my friends, we’re double-dipping at the wellspring of schadenfreude. Enjoy.