The Organ Has Been Drinking

The Organ Has Been Drinking

The organ has been drinking
My bowtie is asleep
And the in-laws went back to New York
The pastor has to take a leak

And the crucifix needs a haircut
And the confessional looks like a prison break
‘Cause the altar’s out of cigarettes
And the pews are on the make

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

And the bibles are all freezing
And the bridesmaid’s blind in one eye
And she can’t see out of the other
And the organ-tuner’s got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

And you can’t find the caterer
With a geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
And you can’t get cake without her

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me

Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?

Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?

Well, try checking the gas. What’s that? There isn’t any gas? What the heck does it run on, coal? Maybe there’s something up with the spark plugs. I thought you were just going to clean the dining room, I didn’t know there’d be any rocket surgery involved. Please Grandpa, don’t hurt yourself — Mom says that if you break the vacuum again we’re going to put you in a home.

And not one of those good homes, either. One from 60 Minutes where they steal your drugs and give you tic tacs instead, and keep the bedpans in the refrigerator.

[Many thanks to the exquisite Charles Schneider for sending this our way]

I Was Built For Loving You — And Jenga

I Was Built For Loving You — And Jenga

The sign in the background says built for it; that sends quite a confusing message. Do they mean their machinery was built for Jenga? Building these machines for the sole purpose of playing oversized Jenga seems a bit silly. I mean, they’re really limiting their audience. The people at Cat® need to think big. Those machines can be used for much much more than just parlor tricks. What about off-road racing, or carpooling? You can sure fit a lot of people in the scoop of a front end loader. Why not roll up to the office in the style and luxury provided by your brand new Cat®?

I guess this ad can only appeal to a certain niche audience. The sort of people who play hopscotch with jump jets, and Battleship with real battleships. It’s not my place to judge, but I think they’re missing out. They’ll never know they joy of making pancakes with your single drum roller. The sweet wafting smell of diesel passing through your open cab as your cruise down the highway. Even something as simple as carrying your child to day care in an excavator bucket is lost on them.

Explore every possible use for your heavy machinery. The contraption with the mean looking spike could make a fair toothpick.

[Many thanks to Gerard at American Digest who was also built for it, among other thing]

Ye Olde Diet Coke And Mentos

Ye Olde Diet Coke And Mentos

[Warning: The video gets quite loud for no apparent reason about halfway through]

I’m beginning to think that no one drinks diet Coke, they just use it to molest Mentos. Same goes for the Mentos. I can’t think of a single point in my life where I heard of someone actually eating Mentos. It simply hasn’t been done. I bet that no one here can tell me what Mentos really taste like. Now that I think of it, I have no idea what Mentos are to begin with. Are they mints? Are they candy? Are they even edible? Who knows — and who cares. I’m certainly not going to put myself at risk by eating one.