We Are Dairy Farmers We Believe In Nothing, Lebowski, Nothing

We Are Dairy Farmers We Believe In Nothing, Lebowski, Nothing

(Warning: enraged, indecipherable salty language)

People would rather drink Red Bull than drink milk, and that’s sad.

I don’t know why anyone would drink a Red Bull in the first place, but it still happens. Nothing is more satisfying to me than drinking a glass of cold milk. It’s like the feeling you get from eating an ice cream cone or running over a group of cyclists. The smell of blood-soaked spandex is the only thing that can compare to the scent of fresh milk.

When did we get to the point where people eschewed actual food in favor of mysterious canned liquids? I swear, a lot of people don’t want to drink milk because their parents told them to drink it twenty years ago and they’re still going through a rebellious phase. Get over it; drink your damn cow juices, eat your spinach, and get a haircut, you hippie.

Remember Kids, If A Stranger Offers You Drugs Say Thank You Because Drugs Are Expensive

Remember Kids, If A Stranger Offers You Drugs Say Thank You Because Drugs Are Expensive

This video had the exact opposite effect on me; now I really want to go and do some drugs. You know, Advil, Ibuprofen, Tums, the wonder drugs that work wonders. Hardcore drugs. I don’t even have a headache or anything, I’m just not going to let some feminine gym teacher who gets his hair cut by Stevie Wonder tell me how to live my life. I’m standing up to the man, even if he doesn’t seem like much of a man, man.

Also, when he said chicken club I thought he was referring to an actual chicken club sandwich, so I’m thoroughly disappointed. I would much rather have a chicken club sandwich than drugs.

ROIGHT, BUNG ANOTHER DINGO ON THE BARBIE, MATE

ROIGHT, BUNG ANOTHER DINGO ON THE BARBIE, MATE

(Warning: some salty language)

I really wish he was speaking English, then we might be able to figure out what on Earth he’s doing. Whenever he opens his mouth a sea of incomprehensible drivel pours out and all I can understand is the occasional roight.

Again with the selfies, what’s wrong with you people? Although this one isn’t a selfie in my book it’s still a bit much. I didn’t know the selfie epidemic had already spread to Australia. I was planning on fleeing to the land down under if things got too bad here in the US, but now I have no idea where my last bastion will be. Maybe I can hide out in Madagascar until the next ice age, but I don’t think they’ll have me. They only seem to want anthropomorphic zoo animals over there anyways, but I don’t take it personally.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one or way)

Angular Banjos Sound Good To Me

Angular Banjos Sound Good To Me

Let me hear your balalaikas ringing out.

You know, for only having three strings he’s really making a lot of noise. Whether that’s a good thing or not is all a matter of opinion. He needs to work on giving his music any sort of structure or direction or tonality, but I’ll be darned if he isn’t trying. Some would even say he’s — shredding. I don’t particularly like that word: shredding. It evokes images of shirtless men pretending they know how to play the guitar because they can play one scale really fast. But I’ll be darned if he isn’t shredding all over that ridiculous excuse for an instrument. He may only have three stings and a finite amount of notes, but one way or another he’s going to play them all.