(Warning: enraged, indecipherable salty language)

People would rather drink Red Bull than drink milk, and that’s sad.

I don’t know why anyone would drink a Red Bull in the first place, but it still happens. Nothing is more satisfying to me than drinking a glass of cold milk. It’s like the feeling you get from eating an ice cream cone or running over a group of cyclists. The smell of blood-soaked spandex is the only thing that can compare to the scent of fresh milk.

When did we get to the point where people eschewed actual food in favor of mysterious canned liquids? I swear, a lot of people don’t want to drink milk because their parents told them to drink it twenty years ago and they’re still going through a rebellious phase. Get over it; drink your damn cow juices, eat your spinach, and get a haircut, you hippie.