BSBFB

I’m glad that they took the time to prepare themselves for working with flammable materials by donning the finest gym shorts and sandals, the most inflammable of all clothing. Err — I mean nonflammable. Well, I don’t think they know the difference either; that’s why they’re wearing them.

I’m not sure what they were expecting. A hollowed out melon has the tensile strength of — well, a melon. If you can rip it apart with your hands, how well do you think it’ll fare when it’s on fire and being struck with a baseball bat. If they were using a catapult to launch the melon, I think the whole exploding-fruit concept would have worked swimmingly, but their delivery system is decidedly flawed.

After a little bit of research I discovered that this video predates YouTube, so everyone in this video is pushing thirty at this point. And those who aren’t pushing 30 have probably died in melon-related accidents.

Chuck Norris: The Early Years

November 16, 2014 aubuchon

Not all heroes wear capes — some of them ride buffalo and punch cougars in the face.

This guy is possibly the manliest man I’ve ever seen in my entire life. He rides a buffalo, fights Indians, punches a mountain lion, rescues an abandoned baby, and shoots up a saloon without messing up his killer beard. The dude can take a bullet like a boss, too. I’m pretty sure it was deflected by his awesomeness, and he was just faking being shot for the sake of the plot.

It’s safe to say that guy on a buffalo is the epitome of everything the borderline sociopath boy aspires to be. When I grow up I want to be a guy on a buffalo, too.

Bad Cop — No Succulent Chinese Meal For You

November 14, 2014 aubuchon

(Warning: Some vaguely Australian blithering)

Some legends are born, some are made from the fiery ashes of those who have fallen before them, and some are arrested for eating a succulent Chinese meal.

It’s hard being a champion among men; lesser individuals are always trying to uproot you from your high position. After a little bit of research I found out that our Australian friend here has angered a lot of lesser individuals to the point where he’s wanted by Interpol, the Hungarian National Police Force, and the Indonesian National Police for eating at fancy restaurants and not paying. But that makes no nevermind to our well-spoken friend.

Coincidentally, the Hungarian National Police Force is the name of my Wham tribute band, but that isn’t something anyone wanted to hear about in the first place.

You Got, Like, Three Feet Of Frosty Air On That One

November 12, 2014 aubuchon

I see Globalistical Warmening is marching across the North American continent again this week. You haven’t lived until you’ve had to shovel twenty-four inches of heat. It’s interesting that really hot snow weighs the same and looks the same as the really cold snow we used to get back before incandescent lightbulbs and shitting indoors ruined the troposphere, or the ionosphere, or the globoclimatoanthropopristinosphere, or whatever it is we’ve mucked up. Don’t blame me. Back in the day, I read all my porno mags and comic books with a flashlight under my sheets at night, which emits almost no waste heat.

It does a heart good to see young fellers treating all the extra Globalistical Warmening with the respect and affection it deserves. You take that hippie bus over a jump, risking your friend’s life, lying in the ditch for no reason, all the while wearing Liberace’s idea of a Road Warrior outfit. The whole operation was pointless and stupid, and that’s the way we like it.