Australia: Where Everything Is Trying To Kill You, But The Beer Is Cheap And The Beaches Are Nice To Look At From A Safe Distance

Australia: Where Everything Is Trying To Kill You, But The Beer Is Cheap And The Beaches Are Nice To Look At From A Safe Distance

I think I know why Australians are so fond of their beer. It’s not like they can go outside; everything that walks, crawls, or slithers on its belly wants to inject every human they find so full of poison and bile they could easily pass for a politician. Staying inside and getting completely blasted is the only thing they can do for fun, otherwise they risk dismemberment from the wildlife. It’s also the only way you can get anyone to go home after a long night at the pub. If they aren’t quite drunk enough they’ll still have enough sense not to walk home. Getting plastered is the only way Australians can continue their day-to-day life in peace. Otherwise, they’ll just be worried all the time and that’s not very Australian of them.

Bartender! I’ll Have A Frozen Norwegian On Ice, Please

Bartender! I’ll Have A Frozen Norwegian On Ice, Please

I’m glad to see that our Norwegian correspondent has finally broken free from his ice floe long enough to post a video. He’s one of our best men, so I’m glad that he’s active, and bathing, again. Norwegians get a bit weird if they aren’t exposed to snow for a long period of time.

A Norwegian without snow is like a fish without water or a blow to the groin without massive testicular swelling; it’s depressing to say the least. It’s even worse when a Norwegian goes without snow because they start forming bands and burning down churches, which might be bit of an overreaction, but I can’t fault them for that.

Although — there’s never an excuse for forming a band. Starting a band should be punishable by whipping.

You Got Like Three Feet Of Air That Time

You Got Like Three Feet Of Air That Time

I’m relatively sure that you’re not supposed to ride a motorcycle off of a ski jump, but I’m no science-tician, so I really couldn’t tell you.

To my knowledge, it’s simply something you’re not supposed to do. It’s not on the same level as kicking the elderly or setting fire to an orphanage, but that doesn’t mean an angry mob won’t descend on your house if they catch wind of your ski jump tomfoolery. They’ll be armed with petitions instead of pitchforks, and they’ll politely ask you to stop instead of riding you out of town on a rail, but the threat is just as real.

All He Wanted Was A Pepsi

All He Wanted Was A Pepsi

As soon as I saw the little Live Leak stamp in the top left-hand corner, I knew I was in for a real treat. The last time I saw a Live Leak video someone had most of their limbs torn off, and that wasn’t even the main attraction of the video. The video was about the subtleties of baking a quality loaf of Italian bread, but when it’s on Live Leak you have to be ready for whatever happens. Unfortunately, the baker was not ready for that explosive chimney fire that engulfed him and the entire camera crew — then again, that’s why it was on Live Leak and not Home and Garden Television.

I don’t want to say that I’m disappointed, but people seemed to have reacted vaguely appropriately to a situation for once. No one responded with a hail of gunfire, and no one invited him to come over and look after their small children. There was a measured response that fell somewhere between get the hell out of my store and I’m putting as many locked doors between us as humanly possible and I’m calling the cops.

Then again, there’s always a chance that the fellow with the stocking on his head isn’t actually a robber, and he’s simply trying to fight off the evening chill, but the world may never know. The guy is just lucky that he escaped with every limb still attached to his body, and this didn’t turn into a real Live Leak video.