You see, what we’re talkin’ about here is an organism that imitates other life-forms, and it imitates ’em perfectly. When this thing attacked our dogs it tried to digest them — absorb them, and in the process shape its own cells to imitate them.
Or it could just be winter in Western Maine. I can’t quite tell yet. Every time winter rolls around I feel like I’m staring in a remake of The Thing.
Fireworks are a man’s best friend. They make dogs look like angry ex girlfriends, except dogs usually don’t burn your clothes after they’re done ripping them up. Fireworks will still burn your clothes, but you can fix that by simply not wearing a shirt. The average BSBFB reader knows enough to start off shirtless, so that problem probably won’t come up.
I can’t ice skate, I’ve never felt obliged to ice-skate, and I don’t think I will ever ice skate. I will, however, ice chainsaw any day.
I don’t know what it is about ice skating that turns me off, but I get the overwhelming urge to stay away from ice skating and people who ice skate. When it’s cold enough for there to be ice, I tend to stay inside because I’m not insane. I live in a place where you can get frostbite from walking to your mailbox, so I like to spend my time indoors. Ice skating just seems like it would be a lot more trouble than it’s worth. First of all, you have to go outside, which is always a massive drawback. If I could build an ice rink somewhere in my house I would consider using it once in a blue moon, but if I had an indoor ice rink I could easily have had an indoor, heated swimming pool instead. Along with environmental issues, any form of skating is too much work, and everyone will think you’re a pansy. Ice skating isn’t exactly a masculine pastime.
I’d much prefer to ice chainsaw instead of ice skating. The thrill of zooming around will get your blood pumping enough to combat the cold, the chainsaw does all the work, so you can focus on staying upright, and no one will make fun of you because you’re swinging around a chainsaw like Leatherface on speed. Bringing a chainsaw is actually recommended for most ice-based events — I think the Tonya Harding incident would have turned out very differently if Nancy Kerrigan’s routine incorporated a chainsaw.
(Many thanks to our good friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)
Many of you astute readers may have noticed that I don’t watch sports or know how many sports work, so this video gave me an enormous amount of pleasure. Not only do I know exactly what’s going on, I’m glad that it’s happening. If you’re wearing tights you deserve everything that’s coming to you. No exceptions. I don’t care if you’re Shakespeare, if I see you wearing tights I’m going to hurl you to the ground and laugh at you. Watching 50 or more people in tights hurl themselves to the ground makes me feel like it’s Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one package. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
If there were more accidents I might feel obliged to actually watch sports instead of waiting for the Live Leak highlight reels. It’s an objective fact that people watch hockey for the fighting, NASCAR for the crashes, and soccer for the occasional riot or terrorist attack. All sports need some ulterior reason to be watched. Football needs more machete-fights. Basketballs should explode at random to turn matches into insane games of hot-potato. More than anything else, the Olympic Biathlon needs a bit of the ole ultraviolence: