Fireworks are a man’s best friend. They make dogs look like angry ex girlfriends, except dogs usually don’t burn your clothes after they’re done ripping them up. Fireworks will still burn your clothes, but you can fix that by simply not wearing a shirt. The average BSBFB reader knows enough to start off shirtless, so that problem probably won’t come up.

Fireworks are most often associated with  the Fourth of July, and you can bet your life that I have a vaguely amusing story about the whole sordid affair. When I was in school I didn’t pay very much attention during history class. I didn’t pay very much attention during any of the classes, but that’s irrelevant. However, after a few years of not paying attention and bribing my way to the dean’s list, I finally decided to be a good student for one day and read my textbook.

I opened up to a random section, so I could get a good look at what an actual textbook looked like. I was appalled. There were sentences with more than five words in them, and paragraphs that reached as far as my attention span would go. I completely gave up on the textbook after about two pages, but I still remember the story I read.

The American Minutemen were fighting the British red-shirts on the beaches of Iwo-Normandy, or whatever. I don’t remember the details very well, but I remember bits; please bear with me. So the Americans were outnumbered 4-1 and things were looking pretty bleak. In the back lines the American Generals were trying to figure out a winning strategy that wouldn’t end in massive American casualties. As they were planning their master strategy, Admiral Ulysses H. W. Bush spoke to the troops from on top of a white horse.

He told the men that if they ever wanted to see their families again they’d have to kill four British soldiers each. As soon as he finished his speech, four shots rang out in the distance in quick succession. A few moments later, he saw a lone American soldier come running over the hill with three pistols in his belt and a smoking rifle over his shoulder. The Admiral hailed the soldier and asked why he was retreating? The shoulder stopped for a moment and said:

“I got my four, Sir. I’m going home now.”

(Many thanks to our avid reader Leon for sending this video our way)