I can’t ice skate, I’ve never felt obliged to ice-skate, and I don’t think I will ever ice skate. I will, however, ice chainsaw any day.

I don’t know what it is about ice skating that turns me off, but I get the overwhelming urge to stay away from ice skating and people who ice skate. When it’s cold enough for there to be ice, I tend to stay inside because I’m not insane. I live in a place where you can get frostbite from walking to your mailbox, so I like to spend my time indoors. Ice skating just seems like it would be a lot more trouble than it’s worth. First of all, you have to go outside, which is always a massive drawback. If I could build an ice rink somewhere in my house I would consider using it once in a blue moon, but if I had an indoor ice rink I could easily have had an indoor, heated swimming pool instead. Along with environmental issues, any form of skating is too much work, and everyone will think you’re a pansy. Ice skating isn’t exactly a masculine pastime.

I’d much prefer to ice chainsaw instead of ice skating. The thrill of zooming around will get your blood pumping enough to combat the cold, the chainsaw does all the work, so you can focus on staying upright, and no one will make fun of you because you’re swinging around a chainsaw like Leatherface on speed. Bringing a chainsaw is actually recommended for most ice-based events — I think the Tonya Harding incident would have turned out very differently if Nancy Kerrigan’s routine incorporated a chainsaw.

(Many thanks to our good friend Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)