Browsed by
Category: That Rock and Roll Devil Music

I Know I Shouldn’t Be Laughing, But…

I Know I Shouldn’t Be Laughing, But…


… Slayer fits in with the Radio Disney vibe a bit too well. Yes, I’m well aware that they’re unsubtly singing about Josef Mengele while trying to be as metal as humanly possible, but a beard and leather pants don’t magically make you hardcore. I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if they’ve guest-starred on an episode of Mickey Mouse’s Play House at one point or another. Maybe I’d think differently if the music was back to normal, but I’m not really sure at this point.

I think my Metal-o-meter is broken or something. I don’t even think I know what metal is anymore. Perhaps if we tried a different band they’d fair better.

Nope, that didn’t help. Without the context offered by the music everything seems a bit silly. I mean, the song is immeasurably improved, but it’s still not quite my cup of tea. Everyone seems to be taking themselves a bit too seriously. There’s no camp, no theatrics, and they don’t seem to be in on the joke. We’ve got to roll back the clock and roll up the hard-rockin’. Music shouldn’t be as fun as a trip to the morgue; It can be so much sillier.

That’s much better.

It’s also important to note that metal can be used for good as well. If anything get’s disgustingly poppy, you can always bring it down a few pegs with some nice blast beats. The outfits don’t change very much, and they’re all wearing the same shade of eyeliner, but at least metal makes Culture Club sort of listenable.

The Top Three Best Worst Music Videos Ever

The Top Three Best Worst Music Videos Ever

In a world filled with bands that no one’s ever heard of, making music that no one wants to hear, in genres that defy explanation, several music videos stand out from the rest. By stand out from the rest I don’t mean that they’re good, or even slightly better than all the other ones. They’re simply the first three I could find that didn’t make me want to puke on my own shoes. I’m not including the legendary Zlad! on the list, because it’s in a league of its own. Zlad! is the standard that everything is measured against.

Without any further ado, here are the best worst music videos I could find in my bookmarks at three in the morning after a long day of drinking white Russians and sleeping:

There will always be a special place in my heart for any video that manages to capture the magic of Michael Jackson’s terrifying, deformed face without actually having to go within 100 yards of an actual video of him. For providing mild entertainment for the first thirty seconds that I watched the video, Indian Thriller gets third place.

Despite all outward appearances, this video was not made in a depressing hellhole somewhere in the Soviet Bloc where the concrete floor has a slight slope that leads to a sewer drain, so vice-chancellor Azarov won’t get any blood on his loafers when his guards give dissidents a .22 lobotomy. It was made in Sweden, which is the home of IKEA, vikings, and people who think that the Führerbunker was the pinnacle of modern architecture.

I don’t think I need to say anything about this one. Remember, you don’t have to watch the whole video if you start feeling sick. We are not responsible for any damage to you or your property that results from watching this video.

Everything Is Terrible, Nothing Will Ever Be Okay

Everything Is Terrible, Nothing Will Ever Be Okay

The end is nigh, nigh I say. We’ve gone from a world of infinite possibilities to a world of a single possibility, and it doesn’t look good. The only thing we know for certain is that this guy is never going to stop clapping and there’s nothing we can do about it. He’s like the terminator, but for clapping: The Clappinator. Terrifying.

I don’t think the world will recover after this. Sifting though the ashes of our once-great society after it’s put to the torch by the Clappinator doesn’t sound very appealing to me. You can count me out. I’m going to go start a new society with blackjack and hookers. It’ll be like when King Henry the VIII separated the English church from Rome, except with less dead wives and more funny hats. I prefer my wives to be alive regardless of their ability to fart out heirs. At least, I think that’s how it works.

Now’s the time to plan ahead; where will you be when the Clappinator rains down fiery death from the heavens. I’ll be on my space platform in space with enough canned beans to create a civilization of fart-based lifeforms, and my not-dead wives. Beat that.

(Update: we have another contender for the bringer of all death and misery in the world.)

Kids These Days And Their Vidya Games And Their Rock And Roll Devil Music

Kids These Days And Their Vidya Games And Their Rock And Roll Devil Music

I’m very pleased to present the latest masterwork by the one and only Stamford Waffles. Lovingly crafted on a shoestring budget of three gummy bears and a single can of Pepsi, The Simpsons Split and Run is by far his finest work. Look at the detail in each shot. You won’t see anything like this on the big screen. Stanley Kubrick, eat your heart out.

I still have trouble fathoming the awesomeness of the soundtrack. Stayin In Black is so utterly hip it’s going to need a hip replacement to handle its own hipness. If it got any cooler it would cause another ice age. It’s so sweet you’ll get diabetes if you listen to it for too long.

They’re staying alive, man, what more could you ask for?