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Category: sports

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round

You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round


The Red Bull is strong with this one. Not only does he go down a slope without falling down, he spins around without falling down. He’s the one we’ve been waiting for. He makes Shaun White look like Carrot Top in a frock. He’s ascended to the point where he doesn’t need a snowboard anymore. If he really felt like it he could just levitate down the side of the mountain, but he likes to leave the board on because the weight presents a bit of a challenge.

The depth and speed of his pseudo-pirouette makes grown men weep and women cry out in anguish. If he took up ballet it wouldn’t be gay, because he was doing it. If I knew anything about snowboarding I’d give a much more detailed commentary, but I don’t, so this is the best I can do. If he got any cooler, he’d freeze on the spot and become one with the slope.

Oh, The Humanity!

Oh, The Humanity!


Many of you astute readers may have noticed that I don’t watch sports or know how many sports work, so this video gave me an enormous amount of pleasure. Not only do I know exactly what’s going on, I’m glad that it’s happening. If you’re wearing tights you deserve everything that’s coming to you. No exceptions. I don’t care if you’re Shakespeare, if I see you wearing tights I’m going to hurl you to the ground and laugh at you. Watching 50 or more people in tights hurl themselves to the ground makes me feel like it’s Christmas and my birthday all rolled into one package. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more.

If there were more accidents I might feel obliged to actually watch sports instead of waiting for the Live Leak highlight reels. It’s an objective fact that people watch hockey for the fighting, NASCAR for the crashes, and soccer for the occasional riot or terrorist attack. All sports need some ulterior reason to be watched. Football needs more machete-fights. Basketballs should explode at random to turn matches into insane games of hot-potato. More than anything else, the Olympic Biathlon needs a bit of the ole ultraviolence:

Brother, Can You Spare A Stick?

Brother, Can You Spare A Stick?

Hockey is just an excuse to have a boxing match on ice. The only difference is they give you weapons if you play hockey. Ali versus Foreman would have been much more interesting if they had knives strapped to their feet. They’d look mighty funny cruising around an ice rink in their fancy underpants while Baby Elephant Walk blares over the PA.

Unfortunately, my plan for the ultimate boxing/hockey hybrid will never come to fruition. Starting a national sport is a lot harder than one would first expect, and I simply don’t have the funds. A man can dream though. Someday my genius will be recognized, and we’ll finally have a sport worth watching. Until then, I guess we just have to watch hockey and hope for the best.

The Last Time I Saw Irishmen Beating On Each Other Like That With Sticks, I Was In A Pool Hall

The Last Time I Saw Irishmen Beating On Each Other Like That With Sticks, I Was In A Pool Hall


Hurling! The Irish national game. No protective gear, except a helmet. Then again, the helmet has only been mandatory since 2010. No names on the shirts. Played for pride only; no professional Hurling teams exist. The pitch is huge; about 150 yards by 100.  It’s an ancient game, predating Christianity by as many as 1000 years. You try to strike the ball through the goal posts to score. Over the crossbar is a point; under the bar where the goalie lurks is worth three. You can’t pick the ball off the ground, carry it in your hand for more than four strides, or throw the ball for a score. You can’t pull on a jersey, trip, or push your opponent.

In my experience, games played furiously for pride alone always end up with hurling. You buy your opponents a beer, and they buy you one…