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Category: she blinded me with science

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Electro-Scientician

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Electro-Scientician


I may not be very good at math, or science, or reading comprehension, or anything like that, but I really want whatever job this guy has. You get to electrocute yourself and make YouTube videos. Usually I have to stick a fork in a socket to get a buzz, he gets to do it for fun. He makes his own little circuits so he doesn’t even have to use the regular old fork technique. He’s playing way past that. He’s even past sticking your thumbs in the breaker box. He takes self-electrocution to a whole new level. He does it for science. The closest I’ve ever gotten to doing something for science was when I had a mole removed and they sent it off for extensive testing. I hope they’re using it for cloning. Anything short of cloning would be an immense disappointment.

The progression of science just seems like such a noble cause. If they find me stuck in one of the snowy fields outside my house; tell them I did it for science. It’s a lot more romantic than getting lost on the way to the bathroom. Worst case scenario I can donate my organs to science — they’ll probably get more use out of them than I ever did.

Still Not As Cool As Lasers

Still Not As Cool As Lasers


I want laser guns and I want them now. None of this railgun crap. I want something that goes pew pew pew, and I want it good and hard. How am I supposed to pew pew pew with a railgun? Pro tip: I can’t. What were they thinking? What could possibly compel them to make anything that doesn’t involve lasers weapons of some sort. It doesn’t even have to be a laser gun, it can be a laser sword, or a laser baseball bat, or a laser blender, or a laser dinette set; you know, as long as it has laser in the name.

The darn thing doesn’t even go ping when you’re done shooting everyone. Yes, it has a really nice boom, but we have a lot of cannons that we barely use that can make a quality boom. The only way you could sell me on railgun weaponry is if it involved missiles. From all outward appearances, the darn thing has no missiles, no lasers, and it doesn’t even go ping. I am thoroughly disappointed.

It’s all about that ping.

Do You Even Science, Bro?

Do You Even Science, Bro?

Ah, the Japanese: what won’t they do? I’ve seen a lot of strange things come out of Japan since they emerged from the primordial Intertunnel goo, but this is by far the most sane Japanese video I have ever seen. Other than the psycho babbling over the whole thing, it’s thoroughly wholesome. There aren’t any maids being assaulted by octopuses, there’s no intense body horror, and everyone is dressed appropriately. Everything is thoroughly aboveboard — and that bothers me.

This video is good, clean, sensible fun, and I wish it wasn’t. Where are the midget sumo wrestlers? Where are all the disturbingly realistic body pillows? Where have they put all the lingerie-wearing anthropomorphic farm animals? What happened to the Japan we all know and love? After watching a YouTube video from Japan, we shouldn’t have to question their lack of tentacle porn and frightening animatronics. The only thing we should ask ourselves is whether we bombed them too much — or not enough.

Australia: Where Everything Is Trying To Kill You, But The Beer Is Cheap And The Beaches Are Nice To Look At From A Safe Distance

Australia: Where Everything Is Trying To Kill You, But The Beer Is Cheap And The Beaches Are Nice To Look At From A Safe Distance

I think I know why Australians are so fond of their beer. It’s not like they can go outside; everything that walks, crawls, or slithers on its belly wants to inject every human they find so full of poison and bile they could easily pass for a politician. Staying inside and getting completely blasted is the only thing they can do for fun, otherwise they risk dismemberment from the wildlife. It’s also the only way you can get anyone to go home after a long night at the pub. If they aren’t quite drunk enough they’ll still have enough sense not to walk home. Getting plastered is the only way Australians can continue their day-to-day life in peace. Otherwise, they’ll just be worried all the time and that’s not very Australian of them.