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Category: Russia

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ, Tovarisch!

OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ, Tovarisch!


It’s good to see that just because the Soviet Union busted up, the arms race didn’t end. Of course ICBMs aren’t all that useful anymore. They’re not likely to lob one at us, and we’re not likely to lob one at them. Their silos are full of mice, and some cleaning lady at the White House probably found our launch codes in an odd drawer in a waiting room, thought they were a Soduku puzzle that someone had already finished, and threw them away years ago. But we need to keep that competitive edge. We need something to strive for, and against heavy competition, too.

So, competitive speaker installation in crappy cars to play almost-music-like noises is as good an arena for conflict as any. And tovarisch here has upped the ante, that’s for sure. We need to get our top men working on this, and fast. Tang and velcro has already been invented, and the moon has had so many people trodding on it and leaving their crap around here and there that it’s starting to look like a rest area on the Jersey Turnpike. We need to drop any idea of mission to Mars, and get cracking on playing Fantastic Voyage at 165 decibels, stat.

Gentlemen, we cannot afford a dubstep gap.

(Thanks to Charles Schneider for sending that one along. I SAID, THANKS TO CHARLES SCHNEIDER FOR SENDING THAT ONE ALONG. I SAID, THANKS TO CHARLES SCHNEIDER FOR SENDING THAT ONE ALONG!)

I Seem To Have Located Russia’s Minister Of Total Random Awesomeness

I Seem To Have Located Russia’s Minister Of Total Random Awesomeness


Ah, Russia. I have no idea what the hell’s going on there, or why it is, and I suspect neither do the people that inhabit the place. Everything just happens, and in the wrong alphabet and season, too, and they film it on their stolen dashcams and release it to the entire world, which stretches from YouTube clear to LiveLeak.

No way to tell if Putin gives the Minister Of Random Awesomeness a salary, or he pays Putin for the privilege of smearing himself with last season’s snow and pulling more babes than a Cyrillic Elvis. Either way, it’s a good gig. 

Now, This Russian Guy Is A PROFESSIONAL

Now, This Russian Guy Is A PROFESSIONAL


My driving advice to everyone, be you Slav or Croat, Frank or Anglo-Saxon, is to “keep it between the trees.” Of course, it’s not crazy Ivan’s fault that the trees ended, and he was faced with decision-making time. One could fault his decision-making skills, of course, but this is a Russian dashcam video; by the standards of Russian dashcam videos, this dude is a phlegmatic genius. Normally in these situations, there’s a four-hundred-car pileup and some sort of explosion visible from space stations.

Not this guy. He goes in the river LIKE A BOSS. Watch it again. Disregard his calm, composed speech. Never mind his steady hand on the tiller, er, wheel as he enters the maelstrom. Forget all that. After he hits the guardrail, on the way down the slope, he TURNS THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS ON.

You wish — you dream — you were half as Russian as this guy.

He’s Looking On The Bright Side: She Made It Almost A Hundred Feet Before Getting Stuck

He’s Looking On The Bright Side: She Made It Almost A Hundred Feet Before Getting Stuck


I see that Cyrillic lettering and I know it’s going to be…

Well –Russian. “Russian” as an adjective and and adverb and a noun all mean the same thing to me: hold my vodak and watch this!

I’ve seen so many dashcam disasters and slav slip-and-slides at this point that I’m learning the language just by hearing it on YouTube videos. Allow me to translate: The driver says, “I’m telling you, there’s a Designer Shoe Warehouse just past that bog.” 

(Thanks to tovarisch Charles Schneider for sending that one along)