Here you see the Russian military training for the all-important knifey-spoony maneuver. It’s a bit spoon heavy, I grant you, but you can see the danger that we’ll be caught flat-footed, what with our military busy perfecting unmanned aircraft technology, making sure drone deliveries by Amazon don’t get shot down by sleeper cells with BB guns or something. We should be training to counter lightning larder raids by those damn Russkies.
We’ll grow complacent, and BAM! — cutlery. Gentlemen, we cannot afford a silverware gap.
(Thanks to Charles Schneider for sending that one along)
Hey Napoleon. It’d Be Nice If You Could Pull Me Into Town
Of course this is Russia, not the Gem State, so people named Napoleon doesn’t do so well in the winter.
The video is titled “Russians preparing for the Olympics.” I began to wonder what the Olympics would look like if Russia got to choose all the events. Lessee, there’s the Chernobyl spent fuel rod long jump, the Siberian outhouse visit relay, and the Crimean hammer and sickle throw. They’d have synchronized St. Vitus dancing. Freestyle polonium speed dating. Greco-Roman subversion. Cross country frayed strap dragging. Molotov badminton. Nordic combined breakdown lane luge.
Hey, wait a minute. That sounds way better than the regular Olympics, and dashcams on all the participants is way, way better than pinkeyed Costas any day.
It must be marvelous to live in the wreckage of the Soviet Union. It used to be a buttoned-down icebox of Stalinist rules. Now no one cares what the hell you’re up to. If anyone asks, just say, “Because Russia.”
This little maneuver might seem a tad, well, ill-advised to an outsider. But it’s a country where playing bumper cars with econoboxes is the de facto national sport. “Tonight on Dashcam Derby, Ivor is going to get two wheels up on the guardrail and pass a helicopter that’s flying down the hammer lane for some reason, and a giant truck loaded with Chernobyl salvage lumbering down the breakdown lane on four flat tires, and on the right-hand side, too. He’s drunk of course. He’s awake! Duh. Go Ivor! Oh, dear, that ended badly. Next! Because Russia!”
Sure, pitch yourself off a building after lighting your MC Hammer pants afire and land in a disreputable looking pile of snow. Why not? Because Russia! It’s probably safer than staying on the building, which looks like it was built by pigs expecting a wolf. In Russia they dish out polonium enemas to guys that wouldn’t get a sternly worded letter in America. Why wait for something bad to happen to you? Make something bad happen to you! Just make sure someone’s filming it, and you’re instantly the David O Farkin Selznick of YouTube. Why? Because Russia!
(thanks to Gerard at American Digest for sending that one along. Because Borderline!)
Oh, sure, you’re Mr. Cool at the gas station. You don’t pull up to the pumps on the wrong side. I bet when you use the squeegee, you get just the right angle and don’t leave that little stripe of grime on the overlaps. You pause after the auto shutoff for a few seconds so the nozzle won’t drip gasoline on your tasseled loafers, too. You wipe your hands with the little blue towelettes they have on the canopy stanchions, I bet. Those are for girls, you know.