How many of you men out there drink beer? Alright, alright, calm yourselves, that was a rhetorical question. Of course you all drink beer, does the Pope poop in his funny hat? Wait, that’s not quite right. Does a bear poop in the pope’s funny hat? Naturally he does, and naturally you all drink beer. How many of you men have had to go through the trouble of getting up off your couch to go get a beer, leaving your perfect butt imprint that took you hours to make. There has to be a better way to acquire beverages.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Charlie, I have a wife and a mini-fridge, and I’m pretty sure polygamy is illegal.” You bring up some valid points reader, but some of us have no wife and no mini-fridge. Polygamy doesn’t even enter into it in a position like mine, because I still need that first wife.
What I need, is a good old fashioned robot to do my bidding. They’re cool, clean, efficient, and oh so hip to the now, if you catch my drift. Order yours now, for only 10,000 tiny payments of $2.99.
Look, it’s only a matter of time before this happens. Not a lot of time, either. And we’re going to get what we’ve got coming. We’re going to get a Terminator with the manners of Twitter and the mindset of a blog commenter at 2 AM. It won’t be reasoned with, it won’t be bargained with, and it absolutely will not stop until we stack our our boxes. Or the batteries run out.
In This Episode of Bad Ideas, Ten Robots Steal a Truck
Apparently no one at Boston Dynamics watches movies with robots in them. This will end badly. Any Tom, Dick, or Harry, or Dr. Smith could tell you that. The particular way it will end badly is unknown, it’s true. Look up Karl Popper to learn more about that. I don’t think Karl Popper even met a robot, but he’d be the first to tell you that bad things happen when you make robots. Then again, he said bad things happen when you make anything, or decline to make anything, so I’m not sure he’s all that useful for planning your robotapocalypse.
Anyway, your typical borderline sociopathic boy doesn’t care about any of that. We want robots, and we want them yesterday. It’s better if they look like Alicia Vikander, but we’ll settle for Iditarod also-rans, like the video. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go ask my mother for $400 for a pallet of C batteries. No reason, mom. Just planning ahead.
True Borderline Sociopathic Boys love robots. We don’t really care what kind. They can kill thousands with lasers, or one person at a time with crushie claws or regular bullets, makes no difference to us. Sexy robots are OK, too, as long as they eventually short their circuit boards and go on violent rampages. We’re open minded on the subject. But these robots are just wrong.
The robots in the video should be replaced by vacuous, unintelligent blonde women. Of course, the customers would be disappointed because even the most vacuous, unintelligent blonde woman in the world could be taught to mix drinks faster than these robots. They would only receive a short interlude of jiggling while the shaker was being used. It’s still better than watching a Roomba mix your drink.