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Welcome To Hell

Welcome To Hell

Comments 6 comments

To be honest, this isn’t even that bad compared to most guitar shops. I have a theory that it’s worse when it’s just one or two people playing badly, as opposed to having ten or more people playing badly. When there’s that many basement shredders in one room it all just turns into sludge. When there’s only two or three you can distinctly hear what they’re playing. And it’s Stairway to Heaven.

I’m rather surprised there hasn’t been a single news story about a guitar store clerk going crazy and attacking everyone in a five mile radius. They must be made of much sterner stuff than we mere mortals. Also, I think it would be helpful to implement a “Buy Something or GTFO” policy at every Guitar Center. At least buy a bag of picks or a cyanide capsule. You know, something you need.

I Think He Needs More Drums

I Think He Needs More Drums

Comments 0 Comment

If he just gets one more tom tom he could totally do YYZ — not that anyone would want him to. Besides, he would most likely spontaneously combust from the sheer awesomeness of it, or perish in a bizarre gardening accident.

I can’t feel sorry for him though. He knew the risks going in. Rock and roll is a mercurial multi-headed fire-breathing mistress in a tube top. He should play it smart. He needs to ditch the drums in favor of a nice bassoon. You never hear about bassoon players getting into any trouble or bursting into flames onstage. They never get untoward publicity from trashing a hotel room, because hotel rooms are expensive. Bassoon players stay at the Motel 6, and everything is bolted to the floor, and the walls are made from concrete blocks.

When Hipsters Attack

When Hipsters Attack

Comments 3 comments

If he was any more underground he’d come out in China. I don’t think they’re hiring any philosophy majors just now, what with all the tariffs and all, so he’d be out of luck there too. Still, he has the mad skills that qualify you to be a barista. But making 15 yuan an hour isn’t as great as it sounds. He’d be better off turning his coolness meter down and switching to a more mainstream instrument, like the viola, or a glockenspiel. His life would get better, but of course our lives would be diminished. Perfection shouldn’t be tinkered with.

I’m not knocking his style though, it takes a real man to appear in public looking and acting like that. Do you suppose that someday, in the unlikely event that he procreates, someone will kidnap his daughter, and he’ll pick up the phone and say, “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you on a unicycle. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will play the accordion.”