My name is Harold, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of making women swoon that I developed over two seasons of picking up hot chicks at the nursing home. It’s called Harold Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to play the accordion with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
We’re striking out this week when it comes to music. I’m sorry fellas, I just can’t help myself. When I find something awful, I need to share it with you lovely people. Not because I think you want it, but because you deserve it. Everyone needs to have a chuckle at someone’s expense. Even if it’s not that much of an expense. I feel like I’m doing a public service by shoveling this crap back to the forefront of the Intertunnel. I’m like a great explorer, or the curator of an art exhibit. I’m like Indiana Jones but less masculine and completely useless at everything.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWmfNeLs7fA
Dude, you’re at a 10 right now; I need you at about a 7. For the love of God try to tone it down. We’re all sensible people, and we know that you’re going through a lot right now, but you don’t have to do this. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t throw it all away by doing a foolish thing like becoming a deranged Russian techno singer.
I think that I shall never see, a poem as lovely as a giraffe.
I think that’s how the poem goes — perhaps not. I never really paid attention in English class, I was preoccupied with throwing things at the teacher when she wasn’t looking. I’m a fan of giraffes. If they had a Facebook page I’d like it and leave a nice comment. Then I’d make an alternate Facebook account and bash giraffes, just so I can defend giraffes publicly to show my appreciation. Every aspect of the giraffe interests me because it all seems so horribly wrong. They’re something God made at the end of the sixth day when he was running out of parts and patience. You try creating the heavens and the Earth in six days without messing up a few times.