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Category: honorary borderline sociopaths

If It Doesn’t Shoot Flames I Don’t Want To Hear About It

If It Doesn’t Shoot Flames I Don’t Want To Hear About It

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Luckily, everything on this fellow’s YouTube channel shoots flames or explodes, so we’re covered.

I’ve always wanted to make a jet engine of some sort. Maybe a pulsejet powered cruiser, or something like that. Unfortunately I don’t like working on my own, and it’s hard to find a good woman who’s interested in rocketry. Just finding someone who’s interested in making anything cool is quite difficult. All of my girlfriends refuse to construct flamethrowers with me. They won’t even stir the napalm.

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I Hate Music, Especially When It’s Played

I Hate Music, Especially When It’s Played

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If you don’t like King Khan and BBQ Show, you’re wrong and we can’t be friends anymore. I’m serious. Take it on the road, fella. Granted, they are a little rough around the edges, but their image is flawless. I’m not sure what their image is, but I’ll figure it out eventually. They’re sort of intergalactic male strippers who’ve put on a little weight, and channeled the spirit of a pissed off Buddy Holly on PCP. I say that like it’s a bad thing, but it’s the best thing. This song is what I’d refer to as a screamer, because it makes you want to scream along. Not sing the words exactly, but it makes you want to scream something.

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Gordon Ramsay Has Officially Lost His Marbles

Gordon Ramsay Has Officially Lost His Marbles

I don’t know what sent him careening over the edge, but there’s no turning back now. Years of trying to fix restaurants full of ugly customers and even uglier waitstaff has finally taken its toll. Not only has he started destroying fast-food, he seems to have started destroying everything. I mean, take a look at this:

Wait a second, that’s not Gordon Ramsay — that’s just some guy who’s fond of eggs molesting food and anything else he can get his hands on. Yes, Gordon Ramsay does the same thing, but at least he has a TV show. That gives him at least some air of legitimacy. This fellow just crushes everything — which is precisely why I’d much rather watch How To Basic instead of anything Ramsay’s put his name on. Gordon’s gone too far from his roots. His shows aren’t about yelling and smashing plates anymore; they’re all about cooking, which is the last thing we all want to see. We want to see more of this:

Take off your pants, crush everything, and film it. That is how we roll.

Bartender, I’ll Have A Frosty Nord On The Rocks, Please

Bartender, I’ll Have A Frosty Nord On The Rocks, Please

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the fjord
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Nord
The vodka was placed by the lake bed with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there

This is one of my favorite iterations of the classic Christmas poem. I feel like it really captures the three essentials of the season: ice, vodka, and tinsel. Coincidentally, ice, vodka, and tinsel are the main ingredients for a drink I like to whip up at parties called Mrs. Claus’s Tumbler Of Regret. It would be an absolute smash if I was old enough to drink, or I went to parties, or I was invited to parties, or if I knew anyone who threw the sort of parties that I would be invited to. But other than that, the drink’s a hit with everyone who’s tried it.