To be honest, this isn’t even that bad compared to most guitar shops. I have a theory that it’s worse when it’s just one or two people playing badly, as opposed to having ten or more people playing badly. When there’s that many basement shredders in one room it all just turns into sludge. When there’s only two or three you can distinctly hear what they’re playing. And it’s Stairway to Heaven.
I’m rather surprised there hasn’t been a single news story about a guitar store clerk going crazy and attacking everyone in a five mile radius. They must be made of much sterner stuff than we mere mortals. Also, I think it would be helpful to implement a “Buy Something or GTFO” policy at every Guitar Center. At least buy a bag of picks or a cyanide capsule. You know, something you need.
Men, tell your kids to go upstairs and advise your wives to leave the room, because you’re about to witness what’s tantamount to straight-up, hardcore porn. You have to sit through the ludicrous story at the beginning where everyone struts around before getting into the nitty gritty, but oh boy — that nitty is gritty. This is the stuff that blue-blooded, steel-hearted, freedom-loving, commie-stomping American dreams are made of.
We’re Canadians, and if you study with our eight-week program you will learn a system of self-defense that we developed over two seasons of fighting in the octagon. It’s called Canadian Kwon Do! After one week with us in our eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to fight with the strength of a light breeze, the reflexes of gerbil, and the wisdom of a man.
Dude, you’re at a 10 right now; I need you at about a 7. For the love of God try to tone it down. We’re all sensible people, and we know that you’re going through a lot right now, but you don’t have to do this. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t throw it all away by doing a foolish thing like becoming a deranged Russian techno singer.