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Category: fathers

This Video Seems To Be Mislabeled

This Video Seems To Be Mislabeled

See, its says there on it, “Embarrassing Dad at Electronic Music Festival.” That’s crazy tawk.

I see an embarrassing son in the video. He’s too sheepish to get down wif his bad self, like dad is. He refuses to knock his bony knees around and get down wif the funk, y’all, ugh!

The little turd is just looking off into the middle distance thinking about Minecraft or something. He’s never going to be a fly guy like his old man. He won’t even wear his auto-darkening bifocals with the obese receptionist lanyard goodness.

I’ll give him a pass on the Tom Selleck starter kit his dad’s got going. Hormones have their own schedule, and can’t be bargained with, or reasoned with, and they absolutely won’t stop until, well, you need Viagra. But you gotta make the most of what you’ve got. Would it kill you to pull your black socks at least halfway up to your knees?

Just Think; Your Dad Played Wiffle Ball With You. Once

Just Think; Your Dad Played Wiffle Ball With You. Once

There can be no mightier man than the Dad Man.

See, Dad Man starts out big. He’s ten feet tall with arms like derricks and legs like tree trunks. He picks you up like a rag doll and throws you up in the air like a satellite. His voice booms like dragons arguing in a cave. His beard is like pavement. You’re down there on the floor, and he’s up there in the heavens. He has pockets full of quarters. He is the mightiest man you know.

Then there’s this guy. He’s Dad Man squared. 

(Thanks to reader Jonathan Frost-Johnson for sending that one along, via The Silicon Graybeard)

It’s A Lot Easier To Just Tell Your Kids That The Tooth Fairy Was Hit By A Bus

It’s A Lot Easier To Just Tell Your Kids That The Tooth Fairy Was Hit By A Bus


Kids just want dad to read them a story and get them a glass of water.Is that good enough for a dad? Hell no. Every demand on dad’s attention, no matter how trivial, must be met by an insane outlay of time, effort, and money until you achieve some bizarre jumbotron-wedding-proposal-grade reaction from your target audience.

Your wife told you to sneak a quarter under the kid’s pillow, so you of course spent eight hundred dollars and expended two hundred man-hours to do it. She can’t help but notice that the kid still just ended up with some change, and the towel bar she’s been asking you to hang in the bathroom is still in the package, four years after you moved into your house.

Towels dry faster when they’re on the floor, anyway.

Women Have A Lot Of Bad Ideas

Women Have A Lot Of Bad Ideas


I mean, seriously, have you seen what women wear? It’s like circus clothes mostly. And they’ll put anything on their feet. Have you ever tried one of those girlie cocktails they’re drinking in the bar? They taste like cough syrup and Fresca mixed together and strained through an underwear drawer sachet. Women even occasionally get the notion they’re qualified to put their cars into reverse while parking. Honestly, women get bad ideas all day long.

But no woman has ever had a worse idea than leaving a baby at home alone with its father. Evar. Nothing good can come of it. A baby can do pretty fair without adult supervision, it’s true. Dad never can.