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Category: epic fail

Have You Tried Ringing The Doorbell?

Have You Tried Ringing The Doorbell?

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When breaking into a house, the act of actually entering the house is the most important part. If you could knock on the door and politely ask permission to enter the domicile, I’m sure you would. However, in most cases you’ll be asked to leave. That’s no good. When push comes to shove, you might have to force your way into the house. That should be pretty easy. That should be the easiest part of the whole exercise. If you can’t get into the house, you should consider a different line of work, because it obviously doesn’t suit your delicate personality.

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Did You Ever Have One Of Those Days?

Did You Ever Have One Of Those Days?

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I don’t like to brag, but I’ve met a girl before. Talked to her and everything. I’ve seen many more while out and about, but the restraining orders keep upping the yardage I’m required to keep between me and them, which makes conversation difficult. I’ve even heard rumors from my dad that mom used to be a girl before she was a mom. Anyway, maybe it’s just me, but I’m fairly sure that many women can cut a tomato without a trip to the emergency room. They seem to be able to iron a garment without burning down the house. Several of them have boiled pasta without incident. A solid plurality of the girls in my life have been able to operate both pillows and blankets. As a matter of fact, they seem to be able to operate blankets a little too well on cold nights.

Anyway, I wish I could have met some of the women in this infomercial compilation instead of the ones I always encountered. Maybe they would have actually gone for my pickup lines.

Welcome To Hell

Welcome To Hell

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To be honest, this isn’t even that bad compared to most guitar shops. I have a theory that it’s worse when it’s just one or two people playing badly, as opposed to having ten or more people playing badly. When there’s that many basement shredders in one room it all just turns into sludge. When there’s only two or three you can distinctly hear what they’re playing. And it’s Stairway to Heaven.

I’m rather surprised there hasn’t been a single news story about a guitar store clerk going crazy and attacking everyone in a five mile radius. They must be made of much sterner stuff than we mere mortals. Also, I think it would be helpful to implement a “Buy Something or GTFO” policy at every Guitar Center. At least buy a bag of picks or a cyanide capsule. You know, something you need.

It’s Not The Fall That Kills You, It’s The Sudden Stop At The End

It’s Not The Fall That Kills You, It’s The Sudden Stop At The End

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It takes a certain kind of man to fall elegantly. It’s even harder to land gracefully. That’s why we are currently holding our 2019 BSBFB Nasty Fall Competition. The winner will take home all the quarters in the company swear jar, if you can lift it, which I doubt.

Here comes our first contestant, a Mr. Ryan from Mobile, Alabama. His entry was a little rough, what with all the drywall and insulation he had to go through, but he kept his head through the initial bash. On the way down he performed a very impressive cul chute, while bracing for the inevitable impact. He stuck the landing while retaining full control of his bladder and bowels, another mark in his favor.

Right now we’re seeing 10s across the board. The Bulgarian judge only gave him a 6.2, but he’s been drinking brake fluid, so we don’t count it.