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Category: cooking

Gordon Ramsay Has Officially Lost His Marbles

Gordon Ramsay Has Officially Lost His Marbles

I don’t know what sent him careening over the edge, but there’s no turning back now. Years of trying to fix restaurants full of ugly customers and even uglier waitstaff has finally taken its toll. Not only has he started destroying fast-food, he seems to have started destroying everything. I mean, take a look at this:

Wait a second, that’s not Gordon Ramsay — that’s just some guy who’s fond of eggs molesting food and anything else he can get his hands on. Yes, Gordon Ramsay does the same thing, but at least he has a TV show. That gives him at least some air of legitimacy. This fellow just crushes everything — which is precisely why I’d much rather watch How To Basic instead of anything Ramsay’s put his name on. Gordon’s gone too far from his roots. His shows aren’t about yelling and smashing plates anymore; they’re all about cooking, which is the last thing we all want to see. We want to see more of this:

Take off your pants, crush everything, and film it. That is how we roll.

I’ve Seen Enough Japanese Food Network To Know Where This Is Going

I’ve Seen Enough Japanese Food Network To Know Where This Is Going

This ad isn’t very effective. Ads are designed to give the user the overwhelming feeling that they need a product, item, or pickup truck. After watching this, all that I want is 100 Japanese maids. I don’t even know why I’d need them, or what I’d do with them, but I want them anyways.

I don’t even know what they’re trying to sell in the first place. Probably some kind of Downton Abbey starter kit, but with more tentacles. Regardless of what they’re selling, I don’t particularly want any. On the other hand, I don’t think I could go another day without a fleet of Japanese maids at my disposal. I hope that they can do more than just make pancakes. What if I want French toast, or an omelette?

If they only made pancakes I’d be very disappointed. Having 100 Japanese maids that can only make a single pancake is like having a Lamborghini that you can only drive around in your garage. This isn’t a problem for someone with a huge garage, but you’ll die from carbon monoxide poisoning eventually — the same could be said for pancakes.

Cooking, Or A Lack Thereof

Cooking, Or A Lack Thereof

I normally don’t make fun of the appallingly disabled, but I feel like we have to make some allowances for our cooking-impaired friend. Not only is he dripping with extra chromosomes, he can’t make a very good pizza either. That thing looked about as appealing as a truck-stop bathroom. If he was any kind of decent cook I could overlook the obvious deformities, but mutilating a pizza should be punishable by spaying.

I also have the sneaking suspicion that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. For example, after blundering and slurring about for a bit, he manages to utter:

“…a convection oven is twice as hot as a regular oven at the same temperature.”

As you may have guessed, that train-wreck of a sentence doesn’t fill me with confidence in his ability to operate an oven that gets its heat from anything other than a small light bulb. It’s not really his fault, so I can’t be too mad. It’s an eHow video, which makes it about as helpful as retarded, blind, quadriplegic, seeing-eye dog. That might seem a bit harsh, but I feel absolutely justified in my vague dislike for eHow. Any company that puts a little letter in front of their name needs to have all their designers taken eOutside and eBeaten within an inch of their eLife.

Mmmmm — Unexplained Bacon

Mmmmm — Unexplained Bacon

Pork chops and bacon are my two favorite pig-based foods. I would add hot dogs to that list, but they have a lot more horse, kangaroo, and gerbil meat than pig.

I try to make every meal just a little bit better by adding bacon. I like to add bacon to burgers, salads, pizzas, and other strips of bacon. If I’m feeling fancy I’ll have caviar wrapped in bacon and bacon bits in my ice cream. Pesto pasta and bacon is almost as delicious as pork chops and bacon wrapped in bacon. The ultimate meal that anyone can make is steak tips wrapped in bacon inside of a cooked goose that is covered in bacon, which is then wrapped up in a slightly larger goose, wrapped in bacon, and then cooked inside of a large hog — that is also wrapped in bacon.

If you’re even in need of some cooking advice, or if you’re short an ingredient and don’t know what to use; bacon is always the answer.