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Category: cooking

I’ll Build Her Some Pasta Or Something

I’ll Build Her Some Pasta Or Something

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Cooking is more than just pressing buttons on your microwave and allowing the gods of ready-made-meals to make all of your problems disappear, cooking is an art form. It takes hours, maybe even minutes, of hard work and dedication to cook a succulent meal. Entire relationships can be made or broken by your ability to cook.

You can even save your own life someday by knowing how to cook. All that dry pasta in your pantry can be used for a lot more than pasta art. Someday, you might have to boil that pasta. After that, you might even have to eat it. I don’t know if you’ll be ready for that if you forget about the importance of cooking.

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All Around Me Are Familiar Faces

All Around Me Are Familiar Faces

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(Warning: some salty language)

I don’t think there are enough cooking channels. Think about it — every other type of channel has 10 spinoff channels. MTV has an unholy army of different channels that all play reruns of My Super Sweet Sixteen, 16 and Pregnant, and Celebrity 16 and Pregnant. Why can’t we have a cooking channel completely dedicated to sad cooking shows? I’d watch the hell out of that, and I know a lot of other people feel the same way. This guy could get his own show, and it could be followed by a 30 minute segment of Paula Deen eating a stick of butter while crying into an open vat of pure, steaming lard.

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It’s No George Foreman Grill, But It’s Still Pretty Good

It’s No George Foreman Grill, But It’s Still Pretty Good

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yO8f-fySnQ

Kids these days. Sheesh. They can harness the power of red-hot lava, but they don’t know how to make a meal consisting of more than string-cheese, Faygo and Pringles. You just burned enough steak to keep me from eating beef jerky for several hours, you nitwits.

I freely admit I was somewhat impressed by your lava-grill, which appears to reach temperatures nearly as hot as the jet engine hibachi I use for informal get-togethers.  But with great exothermic reactions comes great responsibility.  A real man eats his steak while it still has a pulse.

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Cooking For Cretins

Cooking For Cretins


I adore cooking. I cook all the time. I make sandwiches, toast, hot dogs; you name it, I’ve done it. Sometimes, if I’m feeling really wild, I cook up a bag of Tyson chicken.

I really am a connoisseur when it comes to my ingredients. Only the finest bagged chicken for me; none of that Great Value crap. It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken, and it takes an ever stronger man to buy good ingredients. If I used any old kind of frozen chicken tenders, I wouldn’t be able to bring out the pure, rubbery taste that comes from high-quality tenders. Every single cooking show I’ve ever seen has stressed the importance of good ingredients, and tee vee hasn’t let me down yet.

The only way I could become a better chef is if someone teaches me how to use the microwave — you can only do so much with a toaster oven.