https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yO8f-fySnQ

Kids these days. Sheesh. They can harness the power of red-hot lava, but they don’t know how to make a meal consisting of more than string-cheese, Faygo and Pringles. You just burned enough steak to keep me from eating beef jerky for several hours, you nitwits.

I freely admit I was somewhat impressed by your lava-grill, which appears to reach temperatures nearly as hot as the jet engine hibachi I use for informal get-togethers.  But with great exothermic reactions comes great responsibility.  A real man eats his steak while it still has a pulse.

I’m not just a back seat driver. I’m here to help. Here’s my own personal recipe for lava-cooked steaks.

First, kill something with your bare hands. Road kill is not strictly forbidden, but you have to at least finish it off after you hit it. Nothing room temperature.

Now marinate it for several months in a cask of moonshine. Artisanal moonshine is preferred. Big, corporate moonshiners that pay their taxes are ruining the industry. If at least some of your customers don’t lose their eyesight, you’ve sold out to the man.

Now fell an oak tree. Split off a board about two-feet square and an inch thick. Now soak the board in brandy for ten hours.

Place the meat on the board. Drizzle on additional moonshine. Crush garlic with the ram you use to remove stubborn wheel bearings from your Trans Am. Put the garlic, some road salt, and thinly sliced onion over the meat. Garnish with that stuff that gets caught in the exhaust chute of your riding mower. It’s cheaper than parsley, and more filling.

Now put the board with the meat on it on top of the lava. Cook for four minutes, or until the episode of T.J. Hooker is over.

Now throw away the meat and eat the board. The board tastes best if you eat it while standing up, dressed only in your underpants, while watching wrestling on a black and white TV in the kitchen. The old ways are always the best ways.