When it comes to man versus nature, man wins, and he’s been winning for the last 4,000 years or so. Nature really should throw in the towel at this point. She doing her best, but it’s not like she can hurt us much. We turn every animal she sends our way into a throw rug or a rotisserie dish. All the seasons are vaguely enjoyable if you have a snow shovel, skis, and/or air conditioning. Your average pestilence just makes us buy window screens at this point. The crust of the planet needs to crack open, with red hot lava bubbling up, to even get a reaction out of us anymore.
To be honest nature never stood a chance with competition like us around. Humans are quick-witted, adventurous, and supremely gifted in the opposable thumb department. Give a fully grown man a club and he can conquer the world. Give him a six pack and he can conquer the living room. Give him a stable internet connection and he can look at sketchy videos of scantily clad women all day without tiring. Give him an iron bar, and it’s goodbye moosie.
My name is Ronnie O’Sullivan and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of playing snooker that I developed over two seasons of fighting in pubs in Cork. It’s called O’Sullivan Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to play snooker with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
My name is Devon Larratt, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of arm-wrestling that I learned over two seasons of fighting in the octagon. It’s called Devon Larratt Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to wrestle with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a drummer.
Men, tell your kids to go upstairs and advise your wives to leave the room, because you’re about to witness what’s tantamount to straight-up, hardcore porn. You have to sit through the ludicrous story at the beginning where everyone struts around before getting into the nitty gritty, but oh boy — that nitty is gritty. This is the stuff that blue-blooded, steel-hearted, freedom-loving, commie-stomping American dreams are made of.