My name is Ronnie O’Sullivan and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of playing snooker that I developed over two seasons of fighting in pubs in Cork. It’s called O’Sullivan Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to play snooker with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.

At O’Sullivan Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo! You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you’re gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? Take a look at what I’m wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing this “bartender at a wedding” outfit? Forget about it.

Last off, my students will learn about self-respect. You think anybody thinks I’m a failure because I go home to Bridget Saoirse Roisin O’Callahan-Sullivan at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300 you can sign up right now — for my eight-week program.