My name is Ronnie O’Sullivan and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of playing snooker that I developed over two seasons of fighting in pubs in Cork. It’s called O’Sullivan Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to play snooker with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic man. Toby Segar will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster, but he’ll still be a ginger. I’m sorry, nothing can fix that. It’s genetics, there’s nothing we can do. Unless you want to dye your hair every five minutes, but that seems like way too much work. I think it would be much easier to follow through with the whole six-million-dollar man deal, and forget your debilitating gingerness. We can rebuild what’s broken, and make you better overall, but we can’t make you any less of a flaming ginger.
My name is Shark Puncher, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of self defense that I developed over two seasons of fighting in the Pacific Octagon. It’s called Shark-Puncher Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
Marvelous. But a bit worrisome, though.
The man’s a BOSS. No question. But around a BOSS, it’s wise to exercise some caution. If this video is any indication, he doesn’t know how to turn the BOSS volume down during regular life. He has no regular life.
If you’re a maternity room nurse, you’re not going to hand this kind of BOSS a baby. He might spike it and do an end zone crazy-legs dance. He’d do it like a BOSS, but still. The guy at the car wash that tells everyone to pull forward better be en garde, I tell you what. Same thing at the Jiffy Lube. God help you if you’re directly in front or behind him at the self -checkout line at the supermarket. Look out for flying food.
And safe sex, for a guy like this? That just means you move the bed away from the wall so you don’t get a concussion.
[Thanks to Charles Schneider for sending that one along]