The machines rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire. Their war to exterminate mankind had raged for decades, but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present. Tonight — or not. Probably not
I wish someone would throw tacos at me. Pets are treated like royalty these days. When was the last time someone threw a slice of pizza at you? Probably hasn’t happened, but this dog is getting delicious food thrown at him every day. Why do we stand for such injustice? Why have we formed an organization to protect animals, but not an organization to protect delicious food? As god as my witness, I’m going to found People for the Ethical Treatment of Hamburgers as soon as I can be bothered to get out of bed.
He’s giving that dog people food, and that really grinds my gears. Before you know it, the dog will be sitting on the couch, watching TV, getting hair everywhere, and making an absolute mess because he thinks he’s a person. Outrageous. People get people food, and dogs get dog food; that’s the way it’s always been and always should be. On occasion you can throw your dog what’s left of a massive t-bone steak, so you can feel like the king of a medieval domain, feeding your noble hunting dogs with table scraps when you run out of slow-moving peasants. Other than that, no people food.
What I’m really trying to get at, is that you shouldn’t be throwing perfectly good food away like that. You should be giving it to me. I’m so much better than a dog. Dogs can’t thank you after eating all your food. Dogs can’t fix your toilet in return for croissants. A dog can’t sit in their bathrobe and stink up your living room while eating soup out of a mason jar. I can do all of that — and I won’t poop on your carpet.
Purina should be ashamed of themselves for making a Rube Goldberg machine that doesn’t have any real moving parts, or exists in any plane of reality outside of the matrix. That’s right folks, most of the video is computer generated, which in the case of a Rube Goldberg machine is cheating on a level beyond all comprehension. It’s cheating so severely that they seem to entirely miss the point of making a Rube Goldberg machine in the first place.
What they’ve done is tantamount to using a flamethrower as a starter pistol, while the starting judge hoses down all the runners with napalm at the start of the race. While it’s true that people who are engulfed in flames tend to run much faster than normal, they don’t run for very long. Unless it’s a 100-meter dash, the race will be very short and very boring, because you’ll wind up being the only runner who isn’t charred blacker than a poorly-grilled hot dog by the 30-second mark.
I’m pretty sure the dogs are real. There’s no definite way to tell anymore, and Purina has completely betrayed my confidence. If I had a dog I’d have some frame of reference, but I have neither dog nor dog food. If Purina would like to remedy this collapse in consumer confidence, then they should send 20 cases of their finest dog food to the Borderline Sociopathic Blog For Boys Headquarters — Oh, and maybe a couple dogs, too; I’ve always wanted to open a Taco Bell.
This video makes me very uncomfortable. All I can think about is what it would feel like to have 150 slobbering dogs all try to jump on me and eat my face off. Well, not really eat my face off, more like lick it off, but you get what I’m saying. That’s scary. It doesn’t matter how big and fluffy a dog is, it still wants to crush you with it’s love. When there’s that many of them you’re gonna get pulverized by their love.
If they were cats at least you’d just have 150 shin-high, slinky, furballs who all feel completely indifferent to you. They might all gang up and try to feast on your bone marrow, but I can’t really blame them — my bone marrow is delicious.