Purina should be ashamed of themselves for making a Rube Goldberg machine that doesn’t have any real moving parts, or exists in any plane of reality outside of the matrix. That’s right folks, most of the video is computer generated, which in the case of a Rube Goldberg machine is cheating on a level beyond all comprehension. It’s cheating so severely that they seem to entirely miss the point of making a Rube Goldberg machine in the first place.

What they’ve done is tantamount to using a flamethrower as a starter pistol, while the starting judge hoses down all the runners with napalm at the start of the race. While it’s true that people who are engulfed in flames tend to run much faster than normal, they don’t run for very long. Unless it’s a 100-meter dash, the race will be very short and very boring, because you’ll wind up being the only runner who isn’t charred blacker than a poorly-grilled hot dog by the 30-second mark.

I’m pretty sure the dogs are real. There’s no definite way to tell anymore, and Purina has completely betrayed my confidence. If I had a dog I’d have some frame of reference, but I have neither dog nor dog food. If Purina would like to remedy this collapse in consumer confidence, then they should send 20 cases of their finest dog food to the Borderline Sociopathic Blog For Boys Headquarters — Oh, and maybe a couple dogs, too; I’ve always wanted to open a Taco Bell.