Browsed by
Category: 1980s

How To Woo Women: Volumes 1 – 24

How To Woo Women: Volumes 1 – 24

His mullet has an excellent business to party ratio. Just enough hair up front to let everyone know that he’s serious, but with enough unkempt mane in the back so everyone knows he’s a chill dude. He needs to go out and get some token tribal tattoos to complete his mullet, leather vest, and aviators ensemble. Maybe he can top his evening off by driving home in his Pontiac Firebird Trans Am and throwing a couple of cold beers on the grill and eat a raw, bloody steak — or whatever.

If I were of the female persuasion, I would think twice before pepper-spraying him in the face and calling the police.

Remember Kids, If A Stranger Offers You Drugs Say Thank You Because Drugs Are Expensive

Remember Kids, If A Stranger Offers You Drugs Say Thank You Because Drugs Are Expensive

This video had the exact opposite effect on me; now I really want to go and do some drugs. You know, Advil, Ibuprofen, Tums, the wonder drugs that work wonders. Hardcore drugs. I don’t even have a headache or anything, I’m just not going to let some feminine gym teacher who gets his hair cut by Stevie Wonder tell me how to live my life. I’m standing up to the man, even if he doesn’t seem like much of a man, man.

Also, when he said chicken club I thought he was referring to an actual chicken club sandwich, so I’m thoroughly disappointed. I would much rather have a chicken club sandwich than drugs.

McSweeney-Kwon-Do

McSweeney-Kwon-Do

Paul needs to find himself a better job. It’s not exactly thankless work, but I’m sure the money isn’t nearly enough for a man with such a high caliber mustache. I mean, just look at that thing. He could be using that amazing facial growth to fight crime on the streets of Miami, or to pick up chicks at a REO Speedwagon concert. Never again should he have to be the butt of a Total Self Defense video. Paul must turn that butt around, and kick it like there’s no tomorrow.

I have high hopes for Paul, let’s hope he doesn’t blow his new found mustache power on porn and daytime television.

Everything Is Terrible, Nothing Will Ever Be Okay

Everything Is Terrible, Nothing Will Ever Be Okay

The 80’s were a confusing time. I’m not even sure that it really happened. Scientists have uncovered fossil evidence linked to our civilization during that period, but nothing conclusive enough to prove that the 1980’s actually happened. They found: remnants of Members Only jackets, jazzercise tapes, Keytars, box after box of Baby on Board stickers, New Wave music, an inordinate amount of hairspray, and the stagnant husk of Jimmy Carter; but no solid proof.

I guess the 80’s should remain hazy. Based on everything we found we weren’t doing anything productive, let alone worth remembering. I suppose we’ve collectively agreed to wipe the 80’s from our memory. And maybe that’s for the best. All that’s left is this dating cassette tape, and way too many hair metal bands.