(Warning: there is some salty language.)

I’ve always fancied myself as a magician. I don’t look like a magician, or know any tricks, but I can be very forceful. Even if a trick goes wrong, confidence and assertiveness can bail you out of any situation. I’ve bluffed my way out of card tricks, escape acts, and accidental amputations. Saying: “It’s okay, they’re supposed to be screaming!”, will get you out of a lot of sticky situations. However, cleaning up afterwards in unavoidable. The human body has a lot more blood than you might realize, so come prepared. Always keep a mop and some bleach in your hat, next to the doves and rabbits.

While we’re on the subject, we should all consider ourselves lucky that we don’t look like magicians. If you do, you’ll have to learn a lot of tricks.