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You Weirdy Beardy Magiciany Man

You Weirdy Beardy Magiciany Man

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(Warning: there is some salty language.)

I’ve always fancied myself as a magician. I don’t look like a magician, or know any tricks, but I can be very forceful. Even if a trick goes wrong, confidence and assertiveness can bail you out of any situation. I’ve bluffed my way out of card tricks, escape acts, and accidental amputations. Saying: “It’s okay, they’re supposed to be screaming!”, will get you out of a lot of sticky situations. However, cleaning up afterwards in unavoidable. The human body has a lot more blood than you might realize, so come prepared. Always keep a mop and some bleach in your hat, next to the doves and rabbits.

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When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Electro-Scientician

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Electro-Scientician


I may not be very good at math, or science, or reading comprehension, or anything like that, but I really want whatever job this guy has. You get to electrocute yourself and make YouTube videos. Usually I have to stick a fork in a socket to get a buzz, he gets to do it for fun. He makes his own little circuits so he doesn’t even have to use the regular old fork technique. He’s playing way past that. He’s even past sticking your thumbs in the breaker box. He takes self-electrocution to a whole new level. He does it for science. The closest I’ve ever gotten to doing something for science was when I had a mole removed and they sent it off for extensive testing. I hope they’re using it for cloning. Anything short of cloning would be an immense disappointment.

The progression of science just seems like such a noble cause. If they find me stuck in one of the snowy fields outside my house; tell them I did it for science. It’s a lot more romantic than getting lost on the way to the bathroom. Worst case scenario I can donate my organs to science — they’ll probably get more use out of them than I ever did.