Way out East there was this fella — fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Alexandru. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Alexandru, he called himself Alexandru. Now, Alexandru — he didn’t make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise.
I’ve always fancied myself as a magician. I don’t look like a magician, or know any tricks, but I can be very forceful. Even if a trick goes wrong, confidence and assertiveness can bail you out of any situation. I’ve bluffed my way out of card tricks, escape acts, and accidental amputations. Saying: “It’s okay, they’re supposed to be screaming!”, will get you out of a lot of sticky situations. However, cleaning up afterwards in unavoidable. The human body has a lot more blood than you might realize, so come prepared. Always keep a mop and some bleach in your hat, next to the doves and rabbits.
I’m not saying that we condone this sort of action over at the BSBFB — but you should totally try this at home. What’s the worst that could happen? A couple of Frenchmen might glare at you, but there’s not much they can do. I wouldn’t try this with he Russian wrestling team or the American target-shooting team because you’ll be dead before you get within 20 yards in both cases.
Those crazy Finndanenorseswedes, what will they get up to next? Before you know it they’ll form little book clubs, travel around from seaport to seaport in long-ish boats pillaging the countryside, and carrying off slightly less attractive women than they already have at home. I can’t remember the last time anyone sensible went on a murderous, intercontinental rampage. The Mongols have been strangely quiet in recent years, the Vikings are too obsessed with soccer and writing plays where no one says anything, and the Huns — well I’m not sure about the Huns. I think they got taken over by the Garians. How would I know? They don’t write. They don’t call.
Maybe the Finnswedenorsedanes have figured out that it’s a lot easier to be a vague nuisance to your friends, neighbors, and countrymen than to get the horde back together, man. The logistics of keeping multiple continents in your frosty iron grip gets complicated. Do you know how much it costs to equip every soldier in your army with proper flaying equipment? For the same price you could just import human skin and skin-based products from any country known as a People’s Democratic Republic. Anything goes there already, so invading would be superfluous.
Terrorizing the world isn’t as easy as it used to be. Bieber gave it a go from his icy lair in the north, but the last Canadian that really scared anyone was Brian Mulroney, I think. If you really want to be a thorn in the World’s side, run a blog; it’s a lot cheaper than many of the alternatives, and it’s as cold as Norsedaneswedeland in mom’s basement anyway. You’re halfway there already.