At least he’s wearing pants. At least he’s not grunting and thrusting at the camera. At least he’s not doing a lot of thing. He seems to be doing a lot of hard work, which we can never approve of. Squatting is also a no-no. If it can’t be done in an afternoon while standing up it’s not worth doing. I know that limits your options, but it’s the only way to go. We’re all very busy people and we simply can’t be bothered with activities that require more than 5 minutes of work and a fifth of cheap scotch.

One thing that he seems to be missing is sturdy footwear. If there’s one thing you need in life, it’s a good pair of shoes. If I was stranded in the woods with no means of survival other than my wits, I would immediately perish without a pair of shoes. Preferably big, steel-toed boots. The kind of boots that you use to squash the skulls of your enemies underfoot.

With a solid pair of boots you’ll have no need for regular clothes. You can stomp around the forest buck-naked without the fear of man or beast in your soul. Anything that’s mean enough to take a run at you will be at a good kicking level. If you’ve got a pair of hob-nailed blitzkrieg boots, then you can rocket that rascal into the next county. Anything bigger than a raccoon, you can kick to death without hesitation. Stomp them and squish them. There’s a reason we’re at the top of the food chain, and it’s because we can design footwear.

So never mind making a stone ax. Teach me how to make a sturdy pair of steel-toed boots in the wilderness. That’s the real million-dollar question.

(Many, many thanks to our unofficial borderline sociopathic correspondent Charles Schneider for sending this video our way)